Simon's Cowl

"You can follow patterns as closely as Jackson Pollock. Please stop pushing my buttons." (Simon's Cowl by Dann Matthews)

Previously on Popped Culture...

You Sank My Battleship

Checkmate In Four Moves, Predator

Alien Operation: The Board Game

Sayonara Sanjaya

Is nothing sacred? Can’t even Howard Stern and a web campaign keep a terrible singer in an overblown singing contest? Tonight, after a ridiculous 38 million votes were cast (more than the population of Canada), Sanjaya Malakar was sent packing.

For a while it looked like the toothy teenager had a shot at becoming the next American Idol. Despite night after night of sub par performances, Sanjaya kept rising through the rounds. No matter what bile judge Simon Cowell spewed it slid off him as if his mop of hair was made of Teflon.

Ever since the voting began a heady mix of pre-pubescent teens and ironic voters, aiming to derail the Idol voting process, came together to cast their electronic ballots for the safe-as-milk Malakar, propelling him into the upper reaches of the competition. But tonight something changed and the hairdo that sings like a boy is gone.

So what happened? Did fans of the show come to their senses and see it was a joke that Sanjaya had made it that far? Did they realize that to vote for him would mean more talented singers would be eliminated? Or did the joke voters just get bored with the hoax after it dawned on them that their participation in the process was seen as a validation of the show, no matter what their intent was. My guess is it was more the latter than the former.

In any case Sanjaya will be missed by the show. Sure, a mostly talentless hack has been voted off, but his continued presence guaranteed constant chatter, in both the media and online – it was the kind of exposure you can’t buy. If Sanjaya didn’t exist the producers would have had to create him. Not that I’m so cynical as to suggest that’s what happened in this case…

Democracy Simply Doesn't Work

At what point does ironic subversion become active participation? Take the case of American Idol’s Sanjaya Malakar, the talentless teen who continues to blandly warble his way deeper into the Top 10, despite any discernable singing ability. Each one of his songs is safe, genteel and painful to watch yet he not only advances he also is avoiding the bottom three and sending people with genuine ability (so to speak) back to obscurity. He is William Hung, writ large.

I was perplexed as to how he was managing this feat. I know it’s foolish to underestimate the musical tastes of the reality show voting public but I figured that even they would see through this sham. Not likely, but it’s more than hormone-addled pre-teens keeping this doe-eyed hack in he competition. People are voting in droves for Sanjay for all the above reasons, trying to subvert the process by crowning the worst singer the new American Idol. Which is actually quite funny. Howard Stern has also sent his slavering masses to the telephone banks and it appears to be working.

But are they really making a mockery of the show by subverting its voting process or are they just cogs in the marketing machine? The winner of the show is irrelevant as it is often the runner-ups that go on to better careers (Kelly Clarkson notwithstanding). His continuing presence is encouraging people to vote for others so he doesn’t get in and others so he does. I’m sure the show doesn’t care why you vote as long as you continue to do so.

Sanjay appears to be aware of his status as the Snakes on a Plane mass joke of the moment and is playing it for all it is worth. How else to explain what he keeps doing that rats nest of hair? He’s also playing to those young fans just in case people get bored with the prank. Put those groups together and we may have ourselves a winner. Here’s hoping!

Puritan Idol

Racist or hypocritical – these are the two charges being laid against the producers of American Idol for not tossing contestant Antonella Barba from the wildly popular reality show. Her offence? The appearance of semi-nude photos all over the web, many of which came from a calendar she reportedly made for a boyfriend.

The photos themselves, while racy, are neither pornographic nor graphic and the few that are explicit are being dismissed as fakes. But even if they are of Antonella, what’s the harm? She’s of age and not doing anything illegal or harmful. It’s not like there were little animals or dead bodies involved, just a little skin.

The show itself is ignoring the pin-up pics, making no reference to the controversy and Antonella certainly isn’t talking. The only official response came from Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe, who told Entertainment Weekly that he was aware of the photos. "It's sad, isn't it, that your best friends are the ones that come forward with information that will go to Smoking Gun or put your photographs on the Web?"

The big men of Idol all weighed in on the nudie shots while, ironically, attending a party at the Playboy mansion. Critic-in-chief Simon Cowell said the photos should “not affect her standing on the show, and if the public wants to keep her in, they'll keep her in.” Randy Jackson added cryptically: “Nobody's clean in the entertainment business.” Even Leslie Hunt, who was voted off last week, was nonplussed. "It doesn't excite me that she has pictures like that. I mean, who doesn't? Whatever, get over it."

So good for Idol for standing up to the moral crusaders who can’t bear to witness any evidence of sexuality, especially in a young woman. It’s American Idol, not Puritan Idol, right? Perhaps, except for the case of Frenchie Davis, who was unceremoniously turfed from the show back in Season 2, for appearing topless on an adult website. So why the double standard?

"We object to having one rule for black contestants and a different rule for white contestants who exhibit the same behavior," said Najee Ali, a community activist and founder of Project Islamic H.O.P.E., who staged a protest outside of the Kodak Theater in Hollywood on Tuesday. Professional crank Rossie O'Donnell called the show "weightist and racist" and even Davis herself questioned the dichotomy, telling the New York Post: "I couldn't help but notice the difference between the manner in which she was dealt with and how I was dealt with.”

"I think it's fantastic if Idol has evolved and I think it's fantastic she won't have to go through what I went through four years ago,” she said. “But if the rules have changed, I believe there should be something to make up for the fact that I was humiliated needlessly.”

So which is it, racism, hypocrisy, or a simple rule change? I figure it’s because Idol is untouchable now. Back is Season 2 they were a hit, but now they are a cultural behemoth, with multiple Grammy winners and an Oscar winner under the belt. The show still pulls in millions of viewers each episode and won’t be pushed around. Hopefully this will help people take a more reasonable attitude about sexuality and not ruin the potential career over a few snapshots. I mean we can’t let Paris Hilton have all the fun, can we?

Update:
Seems nudie pics aren't enough to keep you on Idol, as Antonella was tossed off the show on Thursday. Now we'll really see what her intentions are and whether or not she tries to extended her 15 minutes of fame by heading to Maxim or Playboy. On a related note, Sanjaya Malakar? What the hell? And damn that show is cruel - forget the judges, how about being made to sing minutes after finding out you lost?

Schadenfreude Linking

It’s time for a little stroll through my blogroll, something I haven’t had much chance to do for a while. Here are some gems I found in the Schadenfreude section.

As always, Gallery of the Absurd never fails to cut to the heart of the celebrity condition. Meet Britocchio is an animated wooden puppet who longs to be a real girl.

While yammering on last week about the reason that talent-free hacks try out for American Idol, I suggested it was for the obvious reason that it works. Being extremely bad is a quicker way to fame and fortune than being moderately good. Tabloid Baby has followed the trajectory of Kenneth Briggs and Jonathan Jayne, otherwise known as Bush Baby and his fat friend. Watch out William Hung, they are after your crown.

The Gilded Moose introduces me to a new word for the week: cooteninja, which is defined in part as:

1. to be confronted with woman parts accidentally.
Used in a sentance : "Oh, damn, I was looking for hotel options in Paris, but I was cooteninja'ed instead."

Anyone who’s been reading celebrity gossip blogs lately has been cooteninja’ed.

I knew the Pandora’s box that was holding heirhead Paris Hilton’s most treasured possessions was opened this week, revealing far more than was ever found in Al Capone’s vault. With that in mind I decided not to look, just in case my eyes melted, Indiana Jones style. Oh how I wish I had kept that promise to myself. I Don’t Like You in That Way reveals the horrible contents: herpes meds, evidence she may have miscarried and loads and loads of nekid pictures. Shudder.

Cityrag was a little treasure trove, introducing me to Pretty on the Outside and one of the most disturbing pictures I’ve ever seen, even with the blurring: Kelly Osbourne in Playboy. Again with the eyes melting. Go to the site for much, much more.

Jossip translates a “serious media” story on Katies Holmes and shows why papers should stay far, far away from gossip.

It's a Cruel, Cruel World

Simon Cowell is cruel. He’s heartless and cantankerous. And this, it appears, is news to a lot of people. The American Idol judge and his partners in crime Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson are under fire this year for being big, big meanies to all of the terrible, terrible singers hoping to win a Golden Ticket to the chocolate factory, umm, Hollywood.

The karaoke competition writ large thundered back last week, pillorying hopeful but hopeless singers and sending them fleeing in tears. Cowell has been in fine form, calling one bug-eyed kid a “bush baby,” and dryly responding to another woman, who hoped that a drink of water would help her performance, "you could lie in a bath with your mouth open and you couldn't sing." But my favourite moment was when he told another that she could move on with her life now that she knew she would never be a singer – and he meant it as a good thing. Even Randy Jackson got in on the act, single-handily destroying the career of a vocal coach, stating that nobody should ever pay for lessons from him. Look for a lawsuit in the near future.

Are they really crueler this year? Not surprisingly, Cowell is having none of it. “If you don’t want to hear that, don’t show up,” he told TV critics at a news conference on Saturday. “I think they’re aware that they’re not very good and they’re going to have a bad time.” Personally, I do think they are being a bit nastier this season, but let’s face it, that’s what the first half of the show is about. As Daily Show commentator John Hodgman so succinctly stated, “the ritual humiliation of these outsiders does make me feel more normal.”

I think everyone is a little bit complicit in these tone-deaf, melody-butchering non-singers making it before the judges. First off, it makes for some entertaining TV before the voting begins. Secondly, I pretty sure some of these people are either deliberately trying to terrible or they know that they are and are trying to make a buck of their two minutes of fame. “Do you think that William Hung is mad that he came on the show?” asks Cowell. Exactly.

Confessions of a Blogging Mind

• Has American Idol taken over all of Hollywood? In two weeks time comes the release of American Dreamz, a film about a singing contest that has more voters than presidential election participants. Gee, imagine that. Now there is a rumour that Prince, who once called himself a slave to his record label, may appear on the show because his new label saw how Barry Manilow’s sales jumped after his appearance. The New York Post says there is just one hitch: “Prince apparently hates the show and has never even watched it." I wonder if the label is just showing him who’s boss.

• Someone ought to keep their eyes on The Clash – they are sounding a little seditious. A man was pulled off a London-bound flight after a cabbie found his choice of music suspicious. Harraj Mann was able to play his own music on a cab’s stereo on his way to airport, some of which raised the cabbies suspicions. Lines like "War is declared and battle come down" from The Clash’s London Calling and “The hammer of the gods will rive our ship to new lands, to fight the horde" from Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song gave his cabbie the idea he might be a terrorist, so he called the police. While I agree the Zeppelin lyrics are criminal, I think the police might need to listen to some decent music and realize that a little angry punk does not a bomber make.

• What is the best way to increase the circulation of a magazine that has fallen out of favour with younger readers? Create some controversy. And lo, there was Playboy with the Top Ten Party Schools. Montreal’s McGill got picked as No. 10 and the Canadian media followed. The free publicity should help the pick-up rate (and the naked university girls shouldn’t hurt either.) Of course blogging about this could be seen as an underhanded way to drive up a person’s search engine hits, but I couldn’t imagine anyone that cynical. And the above photo is only for illustrative purposes. Honest.