Perez Hilton's Last Supper

"Just in time for Easter, pop artist Sham Ibrahim has completed his portrait of Perez Hilton, based on Leonardo da Vinci's the Last Supper. Perez is at the center of table as Jesus and seated at the table with him from left to right are: Joe Jonas, Lindsay Lohan, Zac Efron, Paris Hilton, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears, Madonna, Rihanna, Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga, Spencer Pratt, and Heidi Montag. Headlines taken directly from Perez' website are written on the wall. For dinner, "fame" is being served and the stars are crowded around the table, gobbling it up." 

So Paris Hilton is Perez Hilton's Judas? I'd think of her more as his mother Mary, but I appreciate the connection. It's a perfect addition to the ever-growing pantheon of Last Supper parodies.

Previously on Popped Culture...
Suddenly Last Supper
Even More Last Suppers
Play Perez Hilton Off, Keyboard Cat!

Celebrities Of The Living Dead

Swiss graphic novelist Frédérik Peeters has illustrated over 100 famous zombies, from celebrities to politician and authors at portraitsaslivingdeads. These are my 10 favourite Hollywood zombies: (Link via JazJaz)

Zombie Paris Hilton
I love that Tinkerbell is having a good chew. She's probably waited years for that.

Zombie Britney Spears
Looks like the zombie Spears really likes the brains. Lots and lots of brains.

Zombie Angelina Jolie
Actually, zombie Jolie doesn't look that much different
than her magazine covers a couple of years ago.

Zombie Michael Jackson
Jacko looked much better as a zombie in the Thriller video.
This just looks like a typical day in court.

Zombie Tom Cruise
Some would speculate that the Cruise has been a zombie for years.

Zombie Chris Brown
Is this a zombie version of Chris Brown, or just what he looks
like after a night out with Rihanna? What, too soon?

Zombie Aaliyah
Nothing snarky here, just a creepy, creepy drawing.

Zombie Roger Moore
Having seen some recent photos of the former James Bond, he's got
about .007 seconds left in the sun before he actually looks like this.

Zombie Jayne Mansfield
"I feel like Miss Jayne Mansfield in this car!"

Zombie Buddy Holly
The day the music crawled out of the grave looking for you.

Paris Hilton Raps, Universe Implodes

Paris Hilton: "Yo whassup, My name is P Hizzle, I'm chillin in the clizzle with my homeboy Snoop Dizzle, he's sexy, he's fine, he is the man of our time. I love him..."

Snoop Dogg: "Sweet P! Ohhh wee!, Do it to 'em Dogg After Dark baby gurl. Don't stop, won't stop, can't stop. Look in yo eyes, look in my eyes, no surprise. 'Sweet P' and the D O Double G Yyyy."

Ugggh, this is just so full of terrible. Seriously, how does she continue getting work? Ironic appreciation or not, I think Snoop Dogg has had any last vestiges of street cred scoured off him with this.

(Link via Ampersand)

Poor Little Rich Girl

How annoyed must someone be with you to cut you out of a couple of billion dollars? Paris Hilton's grandfather Barron Hilton plans to donate 97% of his net worth, estimated today at $2.3 billion, to a charitable trust. Barron's father Conrad did the same, but Barron challenged the will and clawed a sizable amount back from charity, but now he'd rather give it away then see it in the hands of his petulant progeny. Perhaps Paris will fight this in court, but her lawyers couldn't even keep 1 Night in Paris off the shelves, so it doesn't look good for the heiress.

Of course Paris has, against all reason, turned herself into a multi-platform brand and likely has a significant trust fund to help her get by, but still, it has got to sting...

Free At Last!

Were there any lingering doubts that celebrities get treated differently by the justice system, one only need to look at Paris Hilton’s release into house arrest after serving a gruelling three days of her 23-day sentence.

Paris will now serve out the rest of her time, confined to the oppressive confirms of her Hollywood mansion, suffering through the indignity of getting a tan line from her electronic monitoring bracelet while she lounges by the pool.

Originally sentenced to 45 days for violating her probation for driving on a suspended license following a booze-related driving conviction, it was reduced to 23 days on the assumption she would play nice in jail. Her “reassignment” on Thursday morning was predicated on a heretofore undisclosed medical condition that had somehow gone unnoticed during the unrelenting coverage of the minutia of her life.

TMZ, which I secretly believe has Paris under contract, is reporting that the condition was psychological and that her mental state was fragile, putting the socialite at risk of a nervous breakdown. No kidding. Cowboy up there, Paris, haven’t you ever heard the phrase “do the time, don't let the time do you?” But it appears that the walls of the prison could not withstand the assault of her lawyers, psychiatrists and PR folk and our favourite jailbird was sprung. She really should have been placed in The Phantom Zone.

"She's using this time to reflect on her life, to see what she can do to make the world better and hopefully, in my opinion, to change the attitudes that exist about her among many people," said Paris’ lawyer, Richard A. Hutton, following a visit after her first night in the slammer. That reflection will now be so much deeper while surrounded by opulent luxury instead of the dreg of society.

Clearly drinking and driving and parole violations are no big deal anymore, at least in Hollywood. I suppose it should be no surprise that our modern-day royalty is treated differently and that her sentence was less about teaching Paris a lesson than satisfying the enormous amount of schadenfreude directed at the 26-year-old celebutard. I look forward to the next episode.

The Prisoner

Paris Hilton is a fictional character and I suspect that a cabal of tabloid editors and paparazzi photographers created her to increase sales. The money made off of Hilton would far outweigh whatever they would have to pay an actress to play the character – even if that actress was Paris herself.

With that in mind, I’ve been thinking that Los Angeles County's jailhouse for women isn’t quite enough to hold the likes the world’s scariest socialite. Luckily pop culture presents us more than a few places to place the criminally annoying behind bars.

Springfield Jail
The dregs of Springfield often cool their heels in the town jail – Drederick Tatum, Snake, Sideshow Bob and occasionally Homer Simpson.
Pro: The town occasionally executes petty criminals.
Con: Mayor “Diamond Joe” Quimby will likely pardon her; she could hook up with Sideshow Bob and have an evil genius on her side.

Hazzard County Jail
Celebrities who passed through Hazzard often find themselves in fake speed traps and tossed into the clink by Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane.
Pro: Hazzard cops will put anyone in jail.
Con: The Hazzard jail is the easiest place in the world to break out of. And we might have to see Paris in a pair of Daisy Dukes. Shudder.

The Phantom Zone
When the criminals of Krypton are sentenced they are sent into a dimension where they exist in form only and float about space starring out of a crystal, for some reason.
Pro: Paris will be shot into space; those who want to could still see her visage and that one facial expression she has.
Con: If she escapes, as they always do, she could come back with superpowers and wreak destruction upon the Earth. More so.

Azkaban
The worst violators of wizarding law are sent to this prison. Paris must be using magic to have so many people fascinated by her.
Pro: The Dementors will feed on her positive memories and force her to relive her worst memories. They may even suck out her soul, if she has one.
Con: Paris likely doesn’t have any positive memories and that feedback would likely destroy the Dementors; Lord Voldemort may recognize her as a kindred spirit and send her into the world to spread disease. Watch out Weasley brothers, she’s a foul temptress.

Oswald State Correctional Facility
Oz is hell on earth, the worst place that anyone could ever find themselves.
Pro: The way most people leave Oz is in a body bag.
Con: Even I would feel guilty about sending Paris to a place like this. Get those fingernails sharpened, they could come in handy.

The Simple Life: Jail Bait

Paris Hilton, feeling left out of the limelight as all her skanky friends were heading off to rehab, upped the “look at me” stakes by snagging a 45-day jail sentence. Hilton will serve in an all-women prison once inhabited by ragaholic Lost talie Michelle Rodriguez and Daryl Hannah. Nothing but the best for her.

Now that she’s the Lil’ Kim of the socialite set she’ll be thinking about her next career move, post-incarceration. Might I suggest a prison movie:

Schadenfreude Linking

It’s time for a little stroll through my blogroll, something I haven’t had much chance to do for a while. Here are some gems I found in the Schadenfreude section.

As always, Gallery of the Absurd never fails to cut to the heart of the celebrity condition. Meet Britocchio is an animated wooden puppet who longs to be a real girl.

While yammering on last week about the reason that talent-free hacks try out for American Idol, I suggested it was for the obvious reason that it works. Being extremely bad is a quicker way to fame and fortune than being moderately good. Tabloid Baby has followed the trajectory of Kenneth Briggs and Jonathan Jayne, otherwise known as Bush Baby and his fat friend. Watch out William Hung, they are after your crown.

The Gilded Moose introduces me to a new word for the week: cooteninja, which is defined in part as:

1. to be confronted with woman parts accidentally.
Used in a sentance : "Oh, damn, I was looking for hotel options in Paris, but I was cooteninja'ed instead."

Anyone who’s been reading celebrity gossip blogs lately has been cooteninja’ed.

I knew the Pandora’s box that was holding heirhead Paris Hilton’s most treasured possessions was opened this week, revealing far more than was ever found in Al Capone’s vault. With that in mind I decided not to look, just in case my eyes melted, Indiana Jones style. Oh how I wish I had kept that promise to myself. I Don’t Like You in That Way reveals the horrible contents: herpes meds, evidence she may have miscarried and loads and loads of nekid pictures. Shudder.

Cityrag was a little treasure trove, introducing me to Pretty on the Outside and one of the most disturbing pictures I’ve ever seen, even with the blurring: Kelly Osbourne in Playboy. Again with the eyes melting. Go to the site for much, much more.

Jossip translates a “serious media” story on Katies Holmes and shows why papers should stay far, far away from gossip.

Oh Lindsay, You Nasty Skank

The superpowered sluts have returned, this time to battle crabs and Wilmer Valderrama, which to nobody's surprise turn out to be one and the same. It looks like Heavy.com is using the Superficial Friends as a draw to promote their YouTubeish video site by making it a weekly series. Content is king! To the Brittle Bones Machine!

These Pretzels Are Making Me Racist

The Michael “Kramer” Richards apology tour is so transparent it’s painful to watch – yet I cannot look away. Today the disgraced “funny man” appeared on Rev. Jesse Jackson’s radio show to do his mea culpa shuck and jive, which would be OK if it wasn’t so contrived. Last Wednesday he hired publicist Howard Rubenstein, who reportedly has strong ties to the black community. His first order of business? Setting up a call to Jackson.

What’s making this so galling is how obvious it is that Richards is being told how to limit the damage of his comedy lynching of two hecklers. It’s like a little kid apologizing because he’s being forced to, not because he feels sorry. Why Jackson agreed to be Cosmo’s beard is a mystery. Richards’ puppet master also announced that the so-called comedian has begun psychiatric counselling for anger management – it’s not quite rehab, but it’s close.

In another “everybody does it” excuse Richards claimed the racial epithet he spewed during his act is used frequently in the entertainment industry. “I fear that young whites will think it's cool to go around and use that word because they see very cool people in show business using that word so freely.” Oh yeah, teenagers will be swearing like Richards because he’s so very hip. I still have my bets that the tour will make a stop at Oprah’s this week.

Speaking of comeback attempt tours, Britney Spears is trying hard to shed her mom of two image and she’s dancing like she’s never danced before. More to the point she’s been partying all weekend with Paris Hilton, sans underwear.

Taking a page from the world’s most famous heir-head, the newly single Spears flashed a throng of paparazzi, showing her thong-less self to the flashbulbs. At least she didn’t have one of her kids with her, so no need to apologize.

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It’s the Sex Tapes That Got Small

I’ve always suspected the releases of celebrity sex tapes are no accident. You’re a mid-level celeb who has decided to film yourself getting some kinky action (because it’s only real if the camera is focused on you) and somehow, when your home is burgled, the only thing stolen is the sex tape. Amazingly, the dirty criminals who made off with your homemade smut are well connected to adult video distributors, who quickly market it all over the web. Denials and horror ensue, soon followed by a piece of the action.

My suspicion was confirmed recently when, inexplicably, Saved By the Bell geek Dustin Diamond turned up in a video threesome, making many wonder how he managed to get two women. Then his manager, Roger Paul, spilled the beans: "Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings." But will it really help his career or will it just add a few seconds on to his “Where Are They Now?” segment? Let’s take a look and see…

Rob Lowe
Way back in 1988, a sex scandal could actually derail a career. Lowe was a sizzling member of the Brat Pack until a tape of him having sex with two women, one who was 17, emerged. That was it for him until his career was revived in 1999 when Aaron Sorkin cast him in The West Wing. He destroyed that revival by quitting the show under the mistaken impression her was talented and he’s mostly disappeared since then. Look for a new sex tape soon.
Impact: Almost a career killer

Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee
The fact that Pam Anderson had a sex tape came as a surprise to nobody. Anybody who wanted to had already seen her spread-eagled in the pages of Playboy. The pair cut a deal with the distributor of their 1997 vacation video and Anderson’s career pretty much continued on as usual. The tape was much more of a success for Lee, a fading rock star living off the tawdry legend of Motley Crue. Once his, um, talent was exposed he became a reality TV star, appearing in Tommy Lee Goes to College and Rockstar.
Impact: Pam – negligible; Tommy – definite career boost

R. Kelly
In 2002, the Chicago Sun-Times received a tape of singer R. Kelly allegedly having sex with an underage girl, which quickly found itself on the file sharing networks. Kelly was charged and is currently awaiting trial, but continued his prolific recording career, selling millions of albums.
Impact: None so far, but a trial could change that

Vince Neil
A tape of Vince Neil, the former lead singer Motley Crue (are we seeing a pattern here?) and adult film star Janine Lindemulder was, you guessed it, stolen in 1999 and made its way to the internet. Lindemulder went on to film more porn, while Neil got a few more minutes of fame as a cast member on The Surreal Life.
Impact: Neil – Reality TV joke is better than nothing; Lindemulder – same old, same old

Paris Hilton
If there was any question that a sex tape could make a positive impact on a career, Paris Hilton’s experience erases all doubt. The hotel heiress was little know outside of party circles and paparazzi photos when she was cast with pal Nicole Richie in The Simple Life in 2003. Just before the debut episode, ex-boyfriend Rick Solomon leaked some grainy footage of the pair’s explicit coupling. Massive media coverage followed, all of which made reference to The Simple Life, boosting the shows ratings. In a remarkable “coincedence,” the DVD of the video, now aptly titled 1 Night in Paris, was released just before the second season of The Simple Life, touching off another round of coverage for Hilton and the show. Paris has since become a brand name, appearing in films, recording an album and releasing books, perfumes and whatever else she can attach her name to.
Impact: Massive – she wouldn’t have near the profile without the tape, making it appear a legitimate career move. (See South Park’s Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset)

Colin Farrell
In July of 2005, Colin Farrell sued his ex-girlfriend and former playmate Nicole Narin to stop her from releasing a recording of a sex romp he had foolishly assumed was "strictly private and confidential between them." He has good lawyers, as other than a brief surfacing on DirtyColin.com last January, the tape hasn’t seen the light of day. It’s existence had little influence on what people think of Farrell, exemplified by one of my female friends who said she would gladly wrap him in plastic and ride him into the sunset.
Impact: None, save for some fantasy material

Kid Rock & Scott Stapp
Another of Pamela Anderson’s men, Kid Rock, and former Creed lead singer Scott Stapp recorded some playtime with four groupies back in 1999, with the footage hitting the web this February. Rock called Stapp an idiot for letting the tape get out and has filed an injunction to get it pulled.
Impact: Rock – none, and who’s surprised?; Stapp – people talked about him again, however briefly

With the exception of Paris Hilton, sex tapes don’t do much for anyone’s fame and fortune. While they are no longer career killers, they either have no impact or at best get you a shot at reality TV. Dustin Diamond’s manager may be waiting by the phone for a long time.

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The Superficial Friends

I always suspected there must be a reason that some celebrities are so famous. Many of them have fame far beyond their talent, so there must be something hidden from view. It turns out that some of our younger, thinner stars are actually superheroes. I knew it was something like that.

Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and the Olsen twins are dedicated to selfishness and social ignorance -- they are The Superficial Friends! Working from the Great Hall of Anorexia they are sent to battle Stephen Colbert, who’s jokes are so smart they are making people’s brains leak out of their ears. The president sends them to defeat him in the only way they know how. “Olson Twin powers, activate!”

Brought to you by Camp Chaos and brought to my attention by Bulletproof Bracelets. Fun!

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Bland Ambition: In Defence of Paris

Though I may be accused of heresy, perhaps Paris Hilton isn’t the worse thing to happen to popular culture. I’ve always dismissed the hotel heiress as a vapid lightweight famous just for being famous. This, though, is changing. Sure, she’s still a vapid lightweight but it’s hard to dismiss her growing fame.

The Simple Life has been renewed for a fifth season; she’s had a few film roles (even outside of her infamous sex tape) and won a Razzie for House of Wax; she is signed to Ford Models and several other agencies – tell me you haven’t seen one of those ubiquitous Guess ads; she’s written, um, co-written, uh, well she has two books where she is credited with authorship; you can buy jewelry from the Paris Hilton Collection and she has designed purses and watches with more items to come; she has her own perfume as well as a men’s cologne; there is even a line of nightclubs. She is a never-ending brand.

Today her full-length album, Paris, was released on her label Heiress Records. As with everything Hilton, there is an appropriate amount of bile being thrown at it. Still her first single, “Stars Are Blind,” has already climbed to the top of the Billboard dance music chart. I wouldn’t listen to it, but I don’t listen to dance music to begin with. Check it out for yourself on her personal website or watch the video on her You Tube site (of course).

The point, and I do have one, is somebody likes her. A lot of somebodies it appears or Paris wouldn’t continue getting all of these gigs. Having rich parents will get you in the door, hell it will even buy you the building, but at some point she would hear the word no if she wasn’t moving units. Paris has two younger brothers and I haven’t heard word one about them and they’ve had access to the same Scrooge McDuck-esque money vault.

Sure Paris got her start as a rich, over-privileged socialite, but there are many in Hollywood famous for doing a whole lot less.

I’m Not Bad, I’m Just Drawn That Way

In what would seem to be a perfect piece of casting, Paris and Nicky Hilton are being turned into cartoon characters for an animated series about their lives.

Wha? I thought that was what we were already watching as there is no possible way those two women are for real. But assuming they actually exist, why not a cartoon?

This is something that is actually being considered – that is a preliminary character design on the left. If they have to, why not give them superpowers too? Paris could utter “That’s Hot!” and then whatever she touched would ignite. Or when she does her over-the-shoulder red carpet look (you know the one) Greek shipping heirs would fall into her arms like Tinkerbell. I don’t know what Nicky would do. Spend freely and look slightly less slutty than her sister, I suppose.

Of course this wouldn’t be the first time Paris has gone 2D. She appeared in the appropriately titled South Park episode Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset. She is also, for reasons I am unable to comprehend, set to voice a character on The Simpsons. I guess I’ll have to accept that as one the “off years” as described one entry below.

Don’t Believe Your Hype

There’s nothing more entertaining than a delusional celebrity, especially when there is little basis for that fame to begin with.

This brings us to Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline. Against all probability, both of these b-listers are recording albums. Hilton, famous for being rich and appearing on reality shows and home-made sex tapes, is going the dance route, a la Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Kevin, famous for knocking up the aforementioned Spears, fancies himself an aspiring rapper.

As the two are mostly renowned for appearing in paparazzi photos they seem keenly aware that nobody is actually clamouring for their musical genius. See if you can tell which quote is from whom:

"People will trash it just because it's me, but once they listen, they'll be shocked. I know this is good."

"Sure, there'll be initial shock and awe, but they've already said so much shit about me, it can't get worse."

It amazes me that they can both be so self-aware and completely oblivious at the same time. For the record, the first quote was from Paris, the latter from Mr. Spears.

To add to the snickering joy, Federline has the narcissistic belief that the millions of hits he got on his web site when he streamed his first single, PopoZão, had something to do with his abilities and not because bored office workers were forwarding it to each other for a laugh – like we were at work.

Anyway, I can’t wait to fish my copies out of the remainder bin, where they will be keeping William Hung company.

Double Duty
For those that are interested, I'm doing a stint of guest blog editing over at Scandal Sheet for my friend webgrrl. I'll try and keep the double posts to a minimum.

Paris’ Pandora’s Box

Pity poor Paris Hilton, she can’t keep anything private.

It appears there are more secrets in the socialite’s closet (or storage locker in this case) and for the low, low price of $20 million you too can have access to Hilton’s private diaries and photos of her in various states of undress.

What more she could be seen doing that you can’t already download I shudder to consider, but it must be some kinda filthy for that price tag.

Before you get the wrong idea, its not Hilton selling the items, but she’ll likely be a bidder. No, it’s a fella by the name of David Hans Schmidt, who is charmingly known as the ‘Sultan of Sleaze’ for handling celebrity porn deals. Seems Paris stuffed a storage locker full of pictures of "wild parties,” 18 diaries allegedly containing descriptions of Hilton’s sexual adventures, as well as computers, clothing, videos and furniture while she was moving between mansions. At some point while out buying monkeys and toying with Greek shipping magnate’s hearts, she forgot to pay the bill and so her treasure trove was sold off for a mere $2,775 to Schmidt. And once he saw it, the price skyrocketed.

Says the man who reveals in the sleaze about what is contained in the diaries to the Los Angeles Times:

"Everything that would be dear to a woman's heart: relationships, personal feelings, sex, love, breakups, sexual experiences, all those little things that make up a little girl's life. Her deepest, darkest secrets."

So, as I said, dirty, dirty, dirty. It must be because Hilton’s publicist says they are considering buying back the material.

Now I have speculated before that the celebutante has courted all of her publicity, good and bad, and never seemed all that upset about the sale of her homemade sex tape – it only appeared to help publicize The Simple Life. This time seems different. She really doesn’t seem to need this kind of publicity anymore so I suspect she may not be behind this one.

Paging Bob Guccione…

I Spy With My Little Eye, Somthing That is Gold

We're into the finals of the film awards. The Oscar nominations will be announced tomorrow morning (or already have been, depending on when you are reading this.)

I don't figure there will be many surprises as the races have narrowed considerably. Brokeback Mountain wins for Best Picture and Director, Philip Seymour Hoffman takes Best Actor for Capote, Resse Witherspoon is named Best Actress for Walk the Line, Rachel Weisz takes Supporting Actress for The Constant Gardner and everyone's favourite everyman Paul Giamatti wraps up Supporting Actor for Cinderella Man.

Ooops, I got ahead of myself. We're only looking at the nominations aren't we? Anyway, the one thing I've been happy to see is the rise of Crash during awards season, with an ensemble win at the Screen Actors Guild Awards on Sunday. Of course it's far too late. I think the Academy should hire Mark Burnett to produce the show so he can, much like on Survivor, make us believe there is a chance some else will be voted off (or win in this case) other than the clear frontrunner. In other words, we need it to look like a race before they had Ang Lee his armful of statues.

Now with the good awards comes the so bad its good awards. The Golden Raspberry nominations were announced today, celebrating the worst in film. Son of the Mask led the way, but seriously, we knew that without watching. I was glad to see the pointless big screen version of the Dukes of Hazzard slapped and going after anything Paris Hilton makes (in this case House of Wax) is a good thing. Makes me wonder how she did at the Adult Video News Awards with her last release.

But once again I digress. What annoyed me about this year's awards was the inclusion of a new category, Most Tiresome Tabloid Targets. Wha? Come on Razzies, were you not getting enough attention that you needed to shoot some fish in a barrel? Tom Cruise couch jumping jokes? That's so old. Last year Halle Berry actually showed up to accept her award, so stick to smacking down bad acting and leave the celebs to the tabs. On the up side, you can vote if you want to. Just $25 lets you in on the fun.

Bowl Full of Delusion

Celebrities as Sea Monkeys, it's so perfect, I don't know how I didn't see it before. It's clear that they don't live in our world, at least the we see them on the pages of tabloids and the gossip blogs.

This is from Gallery of the Absurd, an artist who is "fascinated and horrified by the alarming rise in celebrity culture." Make sure to check out the full-size version on her site.

Like It's Been Frozen Somehow

If you're like me (and who isn't), you've seen a lot more photos of Paris Hilton over the past few years then you ever thought you would have.

No, I don't mean those photos, I mean the ones where she poses over and over for photographers, never having met a camera she didn't want to make love to. Now, lest any of those shutterbugs think those bedroom eyes were meant for them alone comes evidence she only has the one look.

Check out Lemonzoo's Paris Hilton Really Has Just One Face and see the proof of what your mom always told you - if you keep making that face, it will stay that way.

Umm... that's it. I've really got nothing deeper than that today. I'll try and be a little more pithy tomorrow and take down that snooty Jennifer Aniston.