The Prisoner

Paris Hilton is a fictional character and I suspect that a cabal of tabloid editors and paparazzi photographers created her to increase sales. The money made off of Hilton would far outweigh whatever they would have to pay an actress to play the character – even if that actress was Paris herself.

With that in mind, I’ve been thinking that Los Angeles County's jailhouse for women isn’t quite enough to hold the likes the world’s scariest socialite. Luckily pop culture presents us more than a few places to place the criminally annoying behind bars.

Springfield Jail
The dregs of Springfield often cool their heels in the town jail – Drederick Tatum, Snake, Sideshow Bob and occasionally Homer Simpson.
Pro: The town occasionally executes petty criminals.
Con: Mayor “Diamond Joe” Quimby will likely pardon her; she could hook up with Sideshow Bob and have an evil genius on her side.

Hazzard County Jail
Celebrities who passed through Hazzard often find themselves in fake speed traps and tossed into the clink by Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane.
Pro: Hazzard cops will put anyone in jail.
Con: The Hazzard jail is the easiest place in the world to break out of. And we might have to see Paris in a pair of Daisy Dukes. Shudder.

The Phantom Zone
When the criminals of Krypton are sentenced they are sent into a dimension where they exist in form only and float about space starring out of a crystal, for some reason.
Pro: Paris will be shot into space; those who want to could still see her visage and that one facial expression she has.
Con: If she escapes, as they always do, she could come back with superpowers and wreak destruction upon the Earth. More so.

The worst violators of wizarding law are sent to this prison. Paris must be using magic to have so many people fascinated by her.
Pro: The Dementors will feed on her positive memories and force her to relive her worst memories. They may even suck out her soul, if she has one.
Con: Paris likely doesn’t have any positive memories and that feedback would likely destroy the Dementors; Lord Voldemort may recognize her as a kindred spirit and send her into the world to spread disease. Watch out Weasley brothers, she’s a foul temptress.

Oswald State Correctional Facility
Oz is hell on earth, the worst place that anyone could ever find themselves.
Pro: The way most people leave Oz is in a body bag.
Con: Even I would feel guilty about sending Paris to a place like this. Get those fingernails sharpened, they could come in handy.


  1. I vote for Fox River sans Michael Scofield.

  2. I vote for The Phantom Zone. Get her completely off Earth!

  3. AnonymousMay 14, 2007

    For a minute there I thought that "The Simpsons" had whipped together a Paris Hilton in jail episode!

  4. I did consider Fox River and leaving her to the devices of T-Bag, but basically got lazy.

    Springfield Paris Hilton comes from the wonderful Simpsonmaker tool:

  5. AnonymousMay 16, 2007

    "..into the clink"
    How many times does the opportunity to use the word "clink" come along in a lifetime. Not often enough, my friend, not often enough.