Ain’t No Cure For Love

Nothing says love like having five would-be fathers for your baby. The potential sperm donors are lining up to claim parentage of Anna Nicole Smith’s bundle of money baby and each is stranger than the next. There’s photographer Larry Birkhead, her lawyer Howard K. Stern, her bodyguard Alexander Denk, and the two truly bizarre: Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Prince Frederic von Anhalt and Anna Nicole’s long-dead husband J. Howard Marshall via an artificial insemination. What a romantic tale – she inspires us even in death!

Speaking of odd couples, Ben Stiller and Tom Cruise are teaming up for a big screen version of The Hardy Boys – The Mystery of Studio Greenlighting, I assume.

But enough of the mushy stuff, time to hit something. Now you too can make like an over-reacting Boston bomb squad and as you try and take out as many Lite Brite versions of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Moonites as possible. It’s like Whack-a-Mole, so of course I couldn’t resist. When I was done my haircut rating was hipster. I’m assuming that’s a good thing. Despite all the hype, rating for ATHF aren’t improving, leading the head of the Cartoon Network to resign last week over the controversy. This proves the lesson learnt by Snakes on a Plane – just because something is a web phenomenon doesn’t mean people will watch it.

Which, inevitably, leads me to Vanilla Ice. The infamous white rapper, who wishes he was a C-list celeb, has been hired by TurboTax to promote their Tax Rap contest. Rob Van Winkle busts out the finance rhymes and lays down the gauntlet for Kevin Ferderline as the two battle for the King of Self parody crown.

Live Fast, Die Youngish

Anna Nicole Smith has completed her transition into a 21st century Marilyn Monroe by following the blonde icon to an early death.

The former reality star, Playboy playmate, ex-wife of a billionaire, diet pill spokeswoman and all-around public train wreck died today after collapsing in her suite at the Seminole Hard Rock Cafe Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida, as apt a place for her death as any. No cause of death has been announced at this time, but blogs are rampant with the news that it was a drug overdose – the same way that her 20-year-old son went just a few months ago – and the same way her idol Marilyn went.

Like Marilyn she will never grow old in the pop culture pantheon. While she didn’t have the acting ability of Marilyn, Anna Nicole gained her fame through reality TV and became famous for being famous – two methods that are as legitimate these days as having actual talent.

Like Marilyn conspiracy theories are already swirling about her death. Anna Nicole was still fighting for her share of the late J. Howard Marshall’s estate, an 89-year-old oil billionaire she married when she was a 26-year-old stripper. A court ruling could hand the fortune to her five-month old daughter Dannielynn Hope, who has two men claiming to be the father. Smith’s mom has speculated that one of the men, Anna’s lawyer and companion Howard K. Stern may have contributed to the death of her son, putting him one step closer to getting the hands on the money himself.

Was she a tragic story? A gold digger? Was she pretty or did she just look that way? In any case it was a fittingly tabloid end for a woman who’s desire for money was only topped by her craving for attention.