I Only Want What I Can't Have

Champagne corks must have been popping when U.S. theatre chains started banning Death of a President from their screens. The controversial film, which looks back at the future fictional assassination of George W. Bush in a faux documentary, has been shut out of three major chains – over 16,000 theatres.

There’s nothing like telling people you can’t see something to drum up interest in exactly that. This was not going to be a movie that people were going to flock to, so this kind of action will have two positive effects for the film. Firstly, it will generate heaps of free publicity as people write about the ban (guilty as charged) and secondly, it will concentrate the audience in fewer venues making it appear more popular, like a bar with a huge line outside. Controversy sells, and these chains are helping more than they think. The same goes for CNN and NPR, who both rejected ads for the movie this week, due to its content.

“That's a really striking statement,” said director Gabriel Range. “I think some of the theatre chains have decided that it's an opportunity for them to take a moral stance, and I find that questionable.” He’s right of course. The only reason that people shouldn’t go and see DOAP is that it isn’t a very good film. It has one provocative concept – the shooting of a sitting president – and has no other follow up. Range calls it “an engaging and compelling portrait of the post 9/11 world we live in." I call it a dull procedural that tells us less about the world we live in than any daily newscast.

Once Bush is shot, nothing too eye-opening happens. There is a rush to judgment that the assassin is Muslim (much like the Oklahoma bombing in ’95) and a naval battle group is set to Syria but told to stand down (unlike the post 9/11 invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq). As for the fascination over the mixing of current footage and actors, do the critics not recall Forrest Gump or ever seen an example from the current mashup phenomenon? Melding two disparate sources together to create a new work is nothing new.

It’s all about using controversy to push a product. The Toronto Film Festival got in on the act when DOAP was awarded the 15th annual Prize of the International Critics. Festival programmer Jesse Wente was on the CBC on Friday talking about the film and said the TIFF screenings were full, which of course they were as almost all screenings are full. I was at the premiere and it was in one of the smaller theatres at the Paramount. And the head of the critic’s panel said they awarded a film that "irritated us a lot," and “questions our conventions of making and seeing films." Not for it being a great film, mind you. Much like Cannes’ Palme d'Or often highlights edgy films, the Toronto film fest won’t be hurt any by consorting with contentious filmmakers.

Nothing sells like forbidden fruit of course, something Harvey Weinstein knows well. His company is distributing the other film that involves George W. Bush – the Dixie Chick’s Shut Up & Sing. NBC and the CW network have refused to air ads for the documentary about the reaction to Natalie Maines’ assertion that she was “ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas.” NBC said it could not accept the ads as "they are disparaging to the President."

Faster than you can say “free speech,” Weinstein had a press release in hand: "It's a sad commentary about the level of fear in our society that a movie about a group of courageous entertainers who were blacklisted for exercising their right of free speech is now itself being blacklisted by corporate America.” Of course this is the film people should see – an actual documentary about the “post 9/11 world we live in” and the sometimes negative effects of speaking out. This was a great film that also debuted at the Toronto film fest and unlike DOAP, actually has something to say. If you go and see one anti-George Bush film, go and see this one. Sex may sell, but so does controversy.

Snakes On My Brain

"I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" That about sums it up for me. I seem to be one of few people who isn’t looking forward to seeing Snakes on a Plane, the internet-fuelled, so-bad-it’s-good film that isn’t coming out for another month. The hype has been building for over a year, but has increased to a deafening roar in the past few months.

The concept is, as the title bluntly states, about snakes. On a plane. Of course that doesn’t get to the heart of the matter, which appears more about indulging in a schlock fest of a film than caring about the plot. This is, of course, a fine endeavor – who doesn’t enjoy a painfully bad movie every once and awhile?

What has annoyed me is how excitement (and thereby attendance) about SOAP is turning into a pop culture must. Sites like Defamer and Cinematical, among others, have added to the hype, Entertainment Weekly runs continual updates, an indie-centric soundtrack is being released and you can even buy a $170 gold pendant modeled after the film’s snake-circled plane logo. It’s like a hipster pile on – I haven’t encountered so much peer pressure since high school. It may have started as a fan joke, but it is now in the realm of blockbuster marketing.

Which leads me to the real problem: how can you deliberately manufacture a bad film? Bad films happen by accident. Low budgets, wooden acting, paper-thin scripts can all doom a flick, but how many writers/directors/producers start out thinking “Man, this is gonna SUCK!” But that’s exactly why people are planning to see SOAP – they expect it to stink.

When I first saw Johnny Mnemonic in a theatre, people walked out. Keanu Reeves gave the most stilted delivery since Captain Kirk, making it laugh out loud funny. I always tell people it’s the best comedy I’ve seen. Of course it wasn’t supposed to be. It’s now a prime example of the so-bad-it’s-good genre, the kind of bad that is earned, not bestowed in advance. SOAP is being given cult film status before anyone has seen it screened, with people expected to show up with rubber snakes at the screenings like some sort of 21st century Rocky Horror Picture Show. Pop culture critic Chuck Klosterman calls it “reverse irony.”

You can tell the marketing has gotten out of hand now that the studio is going to keep the film under wraps from critics. This is the usual method for hiding a terrible film before word of mouth kills it. But word of mouth already is that the film is terrible, that being the whole point. Are they just trying to convince the target audience?

My hope is that this is all just a colossal joke on the movie studio – a huge prank to see what hoops web geeks can get focus group obsessed filmmakers and youth targeting marketing departments to jump through. With any luck, the theatres will all be empty on the opening weekend and all the “fans” will be at home laughing. Now that would be cool.

Just Sue It

Oliver Stone, 9/11, a conspiracy theory? Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. The twist this time has nothing to do with who attacked the World Trade Center, but a legal scuffle over two similarly titled films.

Paramount Pictures is suing Chris Moukarbel over his 12-minute version of director Oliver Stone’s upcoming tale of two cops rescued from the rubble of the twin towers. The short film is based on a bootleg copy of the original script, featuring student actors and shot by Moukarbel himself. The studio believes people will confuse this online short with the full-length, $60 million version starring Nicolas Cage.

"Large numbers of people will see the Moukarbel film first for free and determine, based on this poor-quality copy, that they do not want to pay to see the remainder of the WTC Film at a theater when it is released," Paramount's lawsuit said.

"He's free to make any World Trade Center movie he wants to make, but not our movie with our script," said Nancy Kirkpatrick, a Paramount spokeswoman.

While there appears to be no dispute that Moukarbel used the World Trade Center script, it seems extremely unlikely anyone would mistake a student short for the work of Oliver Stone. C’mon, Alexander wasn’t that bad. Moukarbel, who had been hosting the film on his website has removed it and other sites have pulled their links as well.

With $60 million invested and another $40 million earmarked for marketing, there is a lot of money tied up in this film which will take a lot of tickets to make back. So what’s the cost of a lawsuit against a student when it garners hundreds of stories about your upcoming release and countless blog posts (myself included)? Ask the producers of The Da Vinci Code how much negative publicity hurt them…

Choose Wisely

It’s time to make a choice. Do you want to buy a copy of Terminator 2 on the shiny new Blu-Ray format or do you think it will look better on HD-DVD? Better yet, which competing format do you think will be the victor (there can be only one.) Can’t you just feel the lines of resolution?

Of course you could wait until it is licensed to iTunes and download it on your iPod. Or maybe the PSP. Why not buy them all and add them to your DVD, VHS and laser disc versions and then wait until Hollywood devises a new way to sell you what you already own. Ask a Star Wars fan.

I realize some people are just collectors and want every version of their favourite film, no matter what the format. But this just reminds me of when cassettes replaced vinyl, which fell before the might of the CD and is now withering away in the shade of the digital download. I have some of the same music in all four formats, not because I’m obsessive (at least not about that) but because I no longer have a record player or tape deck. They broke and/or became inconvenient and I moved on to the latest tech while vowing ‘Never again!’

Over the last couple of years I have been picking up DVD box sets of my favourite TV shows, and in the case of the long-running Simpsons, that is no cheap prospect. So what happens when a new format takes over the entertainment landscape and DVDs begin to disappear? Sure, they are cheap and plentiful now, but it will happen as new films are no longer released on DVD and the new tech becomes cheaper and cheaper. Blu-Ray insists that players will be backwards compatible, but also notes that will be up to the manufacturer.

Isn’t it time that consumers stop getting suckered into replacing perfectly good versions of movies and music? You don’t see readers racing to the bookstore to pick up the paperback version of their hardcover novels, just because they are new. I’d like to see a content license so that when you buy a movie (or album), you are paying for the content and not the format it comes in. When you pay, you get something that allows you to get it again in whatever new format appears. Tony Gentile of buzzhit! suggests something similar, called Amorphous (Perpetual) Content Licensing.

Of course the studios will never agree, but a lowly consumer can dream can’t he? It’s enough to drive one to file sharing…

Jack & Coke

When The White Stripes exploded on the scene there must have been whole departments full of Coke marketing executives falling over themselves trying to sign them for an ad. Decked out in red and white and the kids singing their praises, it must have seemed like a perfect fit.

But Jack and Meg weren’t to be had – selling their songs for corporate use wasn’t their thing. In 2001 Gap approached them for a commercial, but they were having none of it.

"The Gap wanted us to be in a commercial and we said 'no' and everyone said, 'why not'? It's almost as if, if people are willing to give you that much money, you are insulting everyone you know by turning it down," said White at the time to the New Music Express. "People's opinions about selling out seem to have changed over the years."

And change again it seems, as there is now a White Stripes-penned Coke ad hitting the airwaves. Of course Jack didn’t sell the sugar water conglomerate one of his songs, he wrote them a new one.

"I've been offered the opportunity to write a song in a way which interests me as a songwriter. I certainly wouldn't want a song that I'd already written to be used on a commercial. That seems strange,” said White.

"But to be asked to write something particular along one theme of love in a worldwide form that I'm not really used to appealed to me. I've written a song and I wrote it really quickly and it's an interesting commercial that's been made. I was inspired by the commercial."

He was also likely inspired by the staggering amount of money they must have been offered. Now I’m not so naïve that I don’t understand people have been “selling out” for years and it doesn’t really bother me. I just never expected it from Jack White, who went from turning down the Gap to directly shilling the product: "I think it's the greatest drink ever made by man - I used to have six a day," said the caffeine-adled frontman.

I’m not the only one who never expected to see them singing in perfect harmony with an advertiser.

“He's meant to be the posterboy for the alternative way of thinking,” Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher told the NME. “Coca-Cola man. Fucking hell. And OK, you want to spread your message of peace and love, but do us all a fucking favour. I'm just not having it. It's like doing a fucking gig for McDonald's."

But enough of me, watch the above ad (which admittedly looks cool) and judge for yourself.

Tom Hanks: Corporate Shill

For years actors A-list actors resisted appearing in commercials. Anyone who wanted to make some extra money would jet off to Japan where they could pitch jeans, booze, pachinko and whatnot without looking like a sell-out. ‘Cause Hollywood film-making is otherwise a hotbed of integrity.

This has been changing over the past couple of years. Named actors are still avoiding the camera, but they are flocking to ad agencies to do voice over work. I know this because Kiefer Sutherland seems very insistent that I own both a Ford and an Intel chip Mac.

Which brings us to Tom Hanks. He doesn’t do commercials, he’s all about branding opportunities – which is where the real money is. I just caught a bit of You’ve Got Mail on TV over the weekend (I was channel surfing) and even 10 minutes worth reminded me how much it was an ad for AOL. And course there was Cast Away, which I mostly remember as being about an obsessive FedEx employee.

Now he’s turning his thespian skills to a little coffee startup in Starbucks Saved My Life. Hanks will play a former ad exec who lost his job and wife and ended up working at Starbucks. Life lessons are, um, learnt. Wow, when Tom shills, he shills.

Makes me think he’s being doing this all along and I’ve just never noticed. Let’s see… Forest Gump was about pushing chocolates; The Da Vinci Code = more copies of the book; Toy Story – duh, toys; The Man With One Red Shoe, um, pairs of shoes. Ok, I’m stretching now. Feel free to leave your own Tom Hanks Shill-o-Matic suggestions.

It's a Conspiracy!

I am not very prone to conspiratorial thoughts. I believe that artists and entertainment companies are looking out for the best interests of their fans and their creations and would never do anything untoward just for the publicity. No, wait, that is the opposite of what I believe.

I had speculated that the Da Vinci Code plagiarism trial was really just a sham to get free, world-wide coverage for the upcoming film of the same name. How short-sighted of me. If anything, it was to get the book back in everybody’s head for tomorrow’s North American release of 5 million paperback editions of the blockbuster novel by Random House. That’s the company that also publishes Holy Blood, Holy Grail, whose authors are suing Dan Brown. Just a coincidence, I’m sure.

In other conspiracy news, Isaac Hayes’ spokesperson Amy Harnell has denied that the voice of Chef was ever hospitalized for a stroke and was not coerced into quitting South Park. Of course Hayes hasn’t said any of this directly and his flak is herself a Scientologist. Mighty suspicious.

And remember the live-action Simpsons opener that was floating about You Tube and your friend’s emails? The one that appeared to be filmed by some fans and then was revealed to have been created by a British cable company? It aired last night in front of the Ricky Gervais-penned episode, an official rendering all along. I’ve got no real complaint here, it is still funny, but it’s not the fan-created film it appeared to be.

One last one, seeing as I’m adding to all of my recent rants. It looks like one member of the mega-rich (I assume) former Friends clan has put the brakes on a reunion show by turning down a truckload of cash. Lisa Kudrow says it is one of the male cast members who said no, and my bet would be David Schwimmer. Matt LeBlanc is still playing Joey and Matthew Perry has a pilot for next year, so clearly he’s not object to heading back to the tube. If true, I say good for him. You had a great run, now leave it alone. Any reunion would just be a pointless nostalgia fest akin to attending an Eagles concert, and nobody wants that.

Pop Culture Lobbyists

It probably would have gone straight to video or at least died a quick death during the August cinema doldrums, but because of the rabid interest of fans on the web, Snakes on a Plane is well on its way to becoming a cult classic.

The film has been floating around Hollywood since 2000 and has since been the subject of fan art, trailer mashups, shirts and blogs, a phenomenon of its own. Interest in the movie has encouraged the studio to shoot more scenes, adding more deaths, nudity and, of course, snakes to the film. It’s called Snakes on a Plane, what else could you expect? Also on tap will be Samuel L. Jackson yelling: "I want these motherf**king snakes off the motherf**king plane!"

Jackson stars as an FBI agent who has to fight a planeload of snakes unleashed by an assassin bent on killing a witness in protective custody. "That's the only reason I took the job: I read the title. You either want to see that, or you don't," Jackson has said of the film. Collinder.com agrees, stating that maybe fans just want what they want, ironic or not.

Not all fans are quite so lucky. Depite much whiney resistance to new 007 Daniel Craig by fan groups such as the Craignotbond site, the blonde Bond has been signed on to a second round, once Casino Royale wraps.

Some have vowed not to see any Bond film starring Craig, despite there having been little footage to base their opinion of his work on. So here we have two films with intense online interest and it will be intriguing to see which group will impact the box office more.

Viral Marketing

I've been marked as a tastemaker, a blog that matters. This is likely untrue and just the hope of an enthusiastic public relations agent, but interesting nonetheless.

What it has done is shown me a window into a modern viral marketing campaign and roped me into it at the same time. I got an email on Wednesday from a representative of singer/songwriter Brandi Carlile, telling me that she would be playing at Harbourfront Centre in Toronto on March 21.

Looking at my page stats, I was found by a Technorati search for Toronto blogs. Soon after the email arrived, with MP3s and a link to an electronic press kit on You Tube (ah, my current favourite site!) I don't know if I'm the spot they were hoping for, but I'm happy to share:

Brandi Carlile
Fall Apart Again - MP3
What More Can I Say - MP3
Brandi Carlile EPK - You Tube

Not bad, a sort of folky, alt-country Liz Phair. Umm, old style Liz Phair. Or not. There is a reason I stopped reviewing music. Carlile's bio says: "Think of a female Roy Orbison or Radiohead's Thom Yorke fronting a roots-rock band and you're not far off."

Anyway, it's been interesting to see how label is using, even embracing the web to get the word out on a new artist. If I can send at least one person your way I'm happy to do it.

Don’t’ Call It A Comeback

The cover of the latest Entertainment Weekly has a line on the bottom right corner that says Dave Chappelle: His Wild Comeback Explodes With A Thrilling New Movie.

Comeback? Not really. Sure he hasn’t been in the public eye, but his movie Dave Chappelle’s Block Party was shown at the Toronto Film Festival back in September and was filmed long before he:
a) Went crazy
b) Went into rehab
c) Succumbed to the pressure
d) Was forced out by powerful black celebs
e) All of the above

But comeback is how you sell things. Which is why he had to do his mea culpa on Oprah’s show – Oprah being one of the influential black entertainers and politicians who (in a grand conspiracy theory) knocked Chappelle off his perch.

The theory held that these figures weren’t happy with the “negative stereotypes about African Americans” his show was perpetuating. So what did he tell Oprah? “I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible."

Of course the theory was all just a joke. Wasn’t it?

When Self Promoters Attack

Martha Stewart and Donald Trump have started up a monumental pissing match in the past couple of days. They are both incredibly rich, middle-aged and WASPy, so no bullets are flying but there is a lot of media bitch slapping.

Martha says the original plan for her version of The Apprentice was for her to fire The Donald on-air during the premiere. "Having two Apprentices was as unfair to him as it was unfair to me," she told Newsweek. "But Donald really wanted to stay on."

The Donald was having none of it. "I'm tired of Martha blaming me for her failure," he responded today. "It's about time you started taking responsibility for your failed version of The Apprentice. Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything else a show needs for success. I knew it would fail as soon as I first saw it—and your low ratings bore me out."

Oh yeah, said Martha, who immediately penned (of course) a response: "The letter is so mean-spirited and reckless that I almost can’t believe my long-time friend Donald Trump wrote it. I am very proud of the work we did…” blah, blah, blah, sniffle.

It’s all very entertaining of course, but why now? The Apprentice: Martha Stewart was cancelled back in December and Randal stabbed Rebecca in the back months ago. Oh wait, the next edition of The Apprentice begins on Feb. 27 and now there are over 400 news articles on Google and all the entertainment shows are running the spat.

But Martha and The Donald wouldn’t have started a feud just to drum up some attention for the show, would they? Nah, that would just be cynical.

Barbie Come Back!

After a two-year separation, Barbie's boy toy Ken is hoping to win back the heart of his plastic paramour.

Mattel Inc. made headlines in February 2004, when it was announced that after 43 years the couple wanted some time apart. There were rumours that Ken had made a different lifestyle choice than Barbie, but it turns out he just needed a makeover.

"Ken has revamped his life -- mind, body and soul," Hollywood stylist and Mattel consultant Phillip Bloch said in a statement. "Everyone knows how difficult it is to change, especially when you've lived your life a certain way for more than four decades."

The new Ken has packed on some muscle, lightened his hair and apparently turned into a beach bum. It appears to be working as Barbie has given her interim Aussie lover, Blaine, the heave-ho.

Said Barbie publicist Lauren Dougherty: "He really looks great. But we'll have to stay tuned to see whether these two will get back together."

The best part of this is I'm not kidding. This really happened today and Barbie really does have a publicist. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised -- this announcement seemed as plausible as anything I've ever read about celebrities and to be honest, this couple seems a lot less plastic.

They’re Selling, Everybody’s Buying

Everything to do with entertainment is about moving product. Some of what’s being pushed can be works of art, while other products are pure commercialism. If you’ve recorded an album, made a film, painted a picture, you are likely aiming for it to be bought.

This goes double for celebrities, but it is such a part of what they are that you rarely notice. But every once and awhile the curtain gets pulled back and you catch a glimpse of the machinations:

• Take Stephen King for example – he hates cellphones. “They're 21st-century slave bracelets,” he told the Wall Street Journal, saying he sees cellphones as an impingement on personal freedom. “If you've got one, it becomes addictive. Also, people can always find you.” So logically he is promoting Cell, his new novel about a pulse sent through cell phones turns people who hear it into killers, by sending text messages to 100,000 cell users and selling ring tones of his voice. Umm, is it just me, or did someone in marketing (or King himself) not read what the book is about, or why he wrote it? And what’s with King anyway? Didn’t he say he was going to retire?

• Now this one is just weird. William Shatner, the erstwhile Captain Kirk, has sold his kidney stone, with the benefits going to Habitat for Humanity.

"When I was contacted about selling my kidney stone to GoldenPalace.com for an original price of $15,000 I turned it down knowing that my tunics from Star Trek have commanded more than $100,000," says Shatner. "I offered the stone, stint and string for $25,000 and informed them that 100 percent of the proceeds would go to benefit Habitat for Humanity and I retain visitation rights."

I guess if someone is willing to pay and the money going to charity, why not? And what’s in it for GoldenPalace, the group who has bought a piece of toast with the Virgin Mary on it and paid people who have gotten on TV with the corporate name written on their body? Well, I just wrote about them, didn’t I?

• Kelly Clarkson doesn’t seem to understand this marketing concept. It seems that the season one winner of American Idol is refusing to allow her songs to be performed by Idol contestants.

A spokesman for Clarkson's record label denied that the ban on her material was anything personal against Idol and said that the "Since U Been Gone" singer was not permitting any of her songs to be licensed for other uses. Nonetheless, Cowell lashed out at Clarkson, accusing her of "ignoring the audience" responsible for her fame.

I’ve never been much of a fan of Idol, and I certainly didn’t expect someone would build a real career out of winning, but now that she has it’s seems a little sour to be shunning the show. Ya gotta dance with the one what brung ya.