Democracy Simply Doesn't Work

At what point does ironic subversion become active participation? Take the case of American Idol’s Sanjaya Malakar, the talentless teen who continues to blandly warble his way deeper into the Top 10, despite any discernable singing ability. Each one of his songs is safe, genteel and painful to watch yet he not only advances he also is avoiding the bottom three and sending people with genuine ability (so to speak) back to obscurity. He is William Hung, writ large.

I was perplexed as to how he was managing this feat. I know it’s foolish to underestimate the musical tastes of the reality show voting public but I figured that even they would see through this sham. Not likely, but it’s more than hormone-addled pre-teens keeping this doe-eyed hack in he competition. People are voting in droves for Sanjay for all the above reasons, trying to subvert the process by crowning the worst singer the new American Idol. Which is actually quite funny. Howard Stern has also sent his slavering masses to the telephone banks and it appears to be working.

But are they really making a mockery of the show by subverting its voting process or are they just cogs in the marketing machine? The winner of the show is irrelevant as it is often the runner-ups that go on to better careers (Kelly Clarkson notwithstanding). His continuing presence is encouraging people to vote for others so he doesn’t get in and others so he does. I’m sure the show doesn’t care why you vote as long as you continue to do so.

Sanjay appears to be aware of his status as the Snakes on a Plane mass joke of the moment and is playing it for all it is worth. How else to explain what he keeps doing that rats nest of hair? He’s also playing to those young fans just in case people get bored with the prank. Put those groups together and we may have ourselves a winner. Here’s hoping!

Confession of The Collector

It all started so innocently. It was a little picture in a magazine of a miniature Homer Simpson wearing a radioactive suit, standing in Section 7-G of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. “Cool,” I thought, figuring it would be fun to have a member of the Simpson clan on my desk – cubicles can be so dull.

I didn’t give it much more thought until I unwrapped a tiny piece of Springfield that Christmas. There he was in all of his yellow, diminutive glory, with his three-hair combover, the bulging eyes, the permanent five o’clock shadow and a hearty “D’oh!” when he was placed into the perfect replica of his nuclear plant environment. I was in Simpsons’ fan bliss.

Little did I know that this was but the first in what would become an ever-expanding series. It was my first introduction to the world of action figures since I was a kid with visions of stormtroopers battling in my head. Now I was an adult with what is correctly referred to as “disposable” income. The next one I bought was the living room of 742 Evergreen Terrace, followed by Apu and the Kwik-E-Mart. The obsession had begun.

The series were released in waves, usually with six separate figures and a new miniature environment every couple of months. I began dropping into the Sliver Snail – a comic geek Mecca in Toronto – every couple of weeks, to see if they had anything new and my collection began to grow. The characters weren’t that pricey, but the environments weren’t cheap, but it didn’t matter. I was hooked.

Soon I was haunting comic book stores across the city, not only looking for new series but for the exclusives that only certain stories were carrying. The first one I truly hunted down was the second Treehouse of Horror with Kang and Kordos. It was a great looking set and I tracked it down in the bowels of a store where I swear I met the physical embodiment of the Comic Book Guy. When I told him that I took them out of the box he was both appalled and curious. “What are the like?” he asked breathlessly, never having seen them out of the package. I’ll never be that kind of collector – toys are for playing. Ask my friend’s two year old, she loves the hard plastic characters.

But the collection was beginning to get out of hand and soon new shelving had to be bought to house it. Then we advertised our summer parties with entreaties to see the Wall of Simpsons, where inebriated people would amuse themselves trying to make conversations happen between the denizens of Springfield, endlessly pressing the buttons that made the characters belt out their lines from the show. My obsession became well know and I began receiving more and more Simpsons paraphernalia and I knew I had to rein it in. We were running out of space.

Luckily this came at a time when the minor characters like Wendell, Gil and Mr. Largo and one episode characters like Larry Burns and Don Vittorio were being released, all the others having already hit the stores. There was also a growing number of repeats – Homer in a suit, as Mr. Plow, as a Stonecutter. But I still had one more set to track down, my white whale, the huge Interactive Main Street. It was triple the size of the others and was only being sold by Toys ‘R’ Us in the U.S. It sent me on to eBay and to auction after auction.

Eventually, I managed to win one and I paid through the nose for it. When it arrived in the mail, it was too big for the display shelves and had to be relegated to the top of a big china cabinet, but I had it and though I didn’t know it, I was done. After a mental calculation of the all the money spent and the time expended, I had to call it quits. Until my next obsession comes along, of course.

Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover

So many lessons from my hours in front of the TV this evening:

The Winner
The laugh track is still in use. The canned laughter on Rob Corddry’s new show about a 32-year-old virgin who lives with his parents was so overwhelming that it was almost hard to hear the sucking. Do directors believe that the sound of faux merriment will be so contagious that people will laugh along? Not if this show remains so painfully unfunny. Every joke fell flat, the premise was strained and the acting was stiff. I like Corddry’s work on The Daily Show, but this was just terrible. “There's no way I could live with myself if I missed that,” says a character at the end of the episode. Can’t say I agree. Watch it now if you so desire – it’s not long for primetime.

The Amazing Race
Lying and cheating doesn’t always pay off. This comes as a complete surprise to me as it is usually a prerequisite for reality TV success. Tonight professional reality TV contestants Rob and Amber Mariano were eliminated despite doing every little thing they could to get ahead of Charla and Mirna, including stealing their cab. The scheming pair, who won the first three legs of the race, blew it all by misspelling Philippines. Easy come easy go, I suppose. Many Amazing Race fans considered them interlopers but I liked their there-to-win-not-to-make-friends style. I’d guess this will be the final chapter of their TV run, but you never can tell.

The Apprentice
My PVR doesn’t’ like The Apprentice. For the past couple of weeks it has dropped Trump from my record schedule – perhaps I should take the hint. Actually I (no longer secretly) enjoy the bizknobs infomercial battle, though producer Mark Burnett has become too heavy handed in giving away the results with overly telegraphed music cues.

Zeroes
Turns out the Heroes parody was created by NBC - it did seem too good for a fan video. It was funny, I don't see why they needed to hide the source.

Puritan Idol

Racist or hypocritical – these are the two charges being laid against the producers of American Idol for not tossing contestant Antonella Barba from the wildly popular reality show. Her offence? The appearance of semi-nude photos all over the web, many of which came from a calendar she reportedly made for a boyfriend.

The photos themselves, while racy, are neither pornographic nor graphic and the few that are explicit are being dismissed as fakes. But even if they are of Antonella, what’s the harm? She’s of age and not doing anything illegal or harmful. It’s not like there were little animals or dead bodies involved, just a little skin.

The show itself is ignoring the pin-up pics, making no reference to the controversy and Antonella certainly isn’t talking. The only official response came from Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe, who told Entertainment Weekly that he was aware of the photos. "It's sad, isn't it, that your best friends are the ones that come forward with information that will go to Smoking Gun or put your photographs on the Web?"

The big men of Idol all weighed in on the nudie shots while, ironically, attending a party at the Playboy mansion. Critic-in-chief Simon Cowell said the photos should “not affect her standing on the show, and if the public wants to keep her in, they'll keep her in.” Randy Jackson added cryptically: “Nobody's clean in the entertainment business.” Even Leslie Hunt, who was voted off last week, was nonplussed. "It doesn't excite me that she has pictures like that. I mean, who doesn't? Whatever, get over it."

So good for Idol for standing up to the moral crusaders who can’t bear to witness any evidence of sexuality, especially in a young woman. It’s American Idol, not Puritan Idol, right? Perhaps, except for the case of Frenchie Davis, who was unceremoniously turfed from the show back in Season 2, for appearing topless on an adult website. So why the double standard?

"We object to having one rule for black contestants and a different rule for white contestants who exhibit the same behavior," said Najee Ali, a community activist and founder of Project Islamic H.O.P.E., who staged a protest outside of the Kodak Theater in Hollywood on Tuesday. Professional crank Rossie O'Donnell called the show "weightist and racist" and even Davis herself questioned the dichotomy, telling the New York Post: "I couldn't help but notice the difference between the manner in which she was dealt with and how I was dealt with.”

"I think it's fantastic if Idol has evolved and I think it's fantastic she won't have to go through what I went through four years ago,” she said. “But if the rules have changed, I believe there should be something to make up for the fact that I was humiliated needlessly.”

So which is it, racism, hypocrisy, or a simple rule change? I figure it’s because Idol is untouchable now. Back is Season 2 they were a hit, but now they are a cultural behemoth, with multiple Grammy winners and an Oscar winner under the belt. The show still pulls in millions of viewers each episode and won’t be pushed around. Hopefully this will help people take a more reasonable attitude about sexuality and not ruin the potential career over a few snapshots. I mean we can’t let Paris Hilton have all the fun, can we?

Update:
Seems nudie pics aren't enough to keep you on Idol, as Antonella was tossed off the show on Thursday. Now we'll really see what her intentions are and whether or not she tries to extended her 15 minutes of fame by heading to Maxim or Playboy. On a related note, Sanjaya Malakar? What the hell? And damn that show is cruel - forget the judges, how about being made to sing minutes after finding out you lost?

The King of All Reality Media

Fifteen minutes of fame? Not for Rob and Amber Mariano – the pair have parlayed their appearances on Survivor into careers on reality TV. In a boob tube schedule littered with reality shows, it’s an impressive feat to stand put from the crowd.

I have, for better or worse, watched every season of Survivor and other than Richard Hatch, Rupert, Rudy and the dude who said his grandmother died, I don’t remember a single one of them, and that includes the women who dropped trou for Playboy. That leaves over 200 people who were just fodder for the cameras, never to be seen again. Same goes with The Apprentice – I don’t remember the winners, let alone those fired by Trump. So when a couple manages not just one reality show, but six, they have clearly managed to capture the couch potato’s imagination.

Three seasons of Survivor, a reality TV wedding, Rob’s attempt to become a pro poker player in Rob and Amber: Against the Odds and now a second chance to win Amazing Race. One episode in and they have already easily cruised into the lead, displaying all the bravado that fans and competitors have come to love and hate. ''If you asked us who we'd really like to race against, there's really nobody. But if you ask anybody else, they'd say Rob and Amber,'' said Amber modestly on the premiere of Amazing Race: All-Stars.

It’s just fun to watch them as they have a genuine understanding of what they are there to do. Win. They aren’t there to make alliances, to come home with friends; it’s about winning the million and expanding the brand. They were so far out in front that they showed them completing the Checkpoint and then returned to the rest of the teams trying to find the Detour. It’s like professionals joined the Laff-A-Lympics.

More Real Than Reality

Survivor was on last night and I felt like checking if it was a rerun. Not even two months after Yul was crowned Sole Survivor another group of castaways are bickering on a beach in Fiji.

When did this happen? Last season there was a huge build-up over what turned out to be a non-controversial separation of the races. This season, nothing. I admit I haven’t been keeping close tabs, but the first I heard of it was Tuesday.

It’s too soon – it feels like I just watched the finale and now there’s more of the same old, same old. If you don't want to make the show appear formulaic, don’t run them back-to-back. Just ask Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Anyway, all of the contestants started together on the same beach instead of the four different tribes from last season. I figured keeping them together would allow for the tall poppies to rise and get cut down, but evil mastermind Mark Burnett had other plans. After supplying the castaways with tool and supplies to build a solid shelter and supplying them with food, on day three they were split in two teams for an immunity challenge. The winning team was allowed to keep the fancy beach digs while the losers were sent to a new location with next to nothing – shades of the current season of Apprentice. The ideas are running thin these days.

But that’s not the only deus ex machina on this “unscripted” reality program. Only two of the contestants actually applied to be on the show, while the rest were recruited from pubs, restaurants, MySpace and even the US Table Tennis Association website. I suppose it’s not a horrible revelation, but the manipulation of the storyline is becoming more and more obvious. Why not just bring in an improv troop, tell them their characters and let them loose? Hmm... I either need to call Burnett or Christopher Guest.

It's a Cruel, Cruel World

Simon Cowell is cruel. He’s heartless and cantankerous. And this, it appears, is news to a lot of people. The American Idol judge and his partners in crime Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson are under fire this year for being big, big meanies to all of the terrible, terrible singers hoping to win a Golden Ticket to the chocolate factory, umm, Hollywood.

The karaoke competition writ large thundered back last week, pillorying hopeful but hopeless singers and sending them fleeing in tears. Cowell has been in fine form, calling one bug-eyed kid a “bush baby,” and dryly responding to another woman, who hoped that a drink of water would help her performance, "you could lie in a bath with your mouth open and you couldn't sing." But my favourite moment was when he told another that she could move on with her life now that she knew she would never be a singer – and he meant it as a good thing. Even Randy Jackson got in on the act, single-handily destroying the career of a vocal coach, stating that nobody should ever pay for lessons from him. Look for a lawsuit in the near future.

Are they really crueler this year? Not surprisingly, Cowell is having none of it. “If you don’t want to hear that, don’t show up,” he told TV critics at a news conference on Saturday. “I think they’re aware that they’re not very good and they’re going to have a bad time.” Personally, I do think they are being a bit nastier this season, but let’s face it, that’s what the first half of the show is about. As Daily Show commentator John Hodgman so succinctly stated, “the ritual humiliation of these outsiders does make me feel more normal.”

I think everyone is a little bit complicit in these tone-deaf, melody-butchering non-singers making it before the judges. First off, it makes for some entertaining TV before the voting begins. Secondly, I pretty sure some of these people are either deliberately trying to terrible or they know that they are and are trying to make a buck of their two minutes of fame. “Do you think that William Hung is mad that he came on the show?” asks Cowell. Exactly.

Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!

Donald Trump is a genius. I’ve been rolling my eyes ever since Rosie O’Donnell and The Donald started verbally clawing each other’s eyes out over which one of them was more of a loser. It’s a toss up, of course. Rosie used to be called “The Queen of Nice” when she was hosting her own show and running her own magazine and now she’s about as cuddly as a cactus. The Donald has made, lost and made hundreds of millions and is the most relentless self-promoters since P.T. Barnum.

Which made me realize what he was up to. The feud was nominally about Miss USA not losing her crown over some hard-partying. Rosie called him a “snake-oil salesman,” said he’s gone bankrupt and continued on with one of her charming impressions. The Donald fired back, calling her a “loser” and a “bully” among other things. The upshot of this pointless bickering was ratings for The View have spiked and every article chronicling the he said/she said comb-over pulling has referenced the new season of The Apprentice. And there it was – a healthy helping of free publicity.

Entertainment feuds have a long history – from Ernest Hemingway vs. Gertrude Stein, to Jon Stewart vs. Tucker Carlson to Notorious B.I.G. vs Tupac Shakur. This one isn’t quite as entertaining (or violent for that matter) but at least there is one upside – you can lay a beating on one of them as either Rosie or the Donald. Use his “killer comb-over” move or Rosie’s patented tongue lashing. I played as Trump and had my ass handed to me.

As for The Apprentice, the biggest change is that it is in L.A. this year, which doesn’t have the same sort of business go-go as New York. Too many shots of sun and surf instead of harried, stressed-out New Yorkers. I must admit, they get some powerhouse contestants. Is the lure of reality TV so strong that it draws such successful business people, lawyers and academics? Oh, right, silly question.

Reality Bites

Mark Burnett is a genius. When Survivor announced its 13th season this summer people were up in arms over the premise – dividing the contestants into white, black, Asian and Hispanic tribes. Critics howled racism, advertisers pulled out and executive producer Burnett was accused of putting together a cheap publicity stunt.

It was a publicity stunt for sure, but it was hardly cheap. People talked about the show, mostly negatively, but they still tuned in. And at the end of the run, the show was in the Top 20 for the season and Sunday’s finale toped the night when Yul Kwon won the title of Sole Survivor. I would have given it to Ozzie, but what can you do?

For all of the concerns that the show was trading in racist stereotypes, the issue didn’t really rear its head beyond a lot of posturing about “representin.’” The gimmick played out for a few episodes before the merge returned the show’s usual scheming and backstabbing. I’ve been watching Survivor since a fat, naked, gay Machiavellian named Hatch schemed his way to a million dollars and this season held its own with the best of them. That is impressive for any show of this longevity, let alone a reality show.

I can’t say the same for the recently concluded Amazing Race. I haven’t been watching the series, but this year decided to give it a try. While it was entertaining enough, I couldn’t help noticing how contrived the whole production was – more so than Survivor. Every time a team got a head start they were inevitably sent to some store or attraction that was closed for hours, allowing the other teams to catch up. And when a favourite team was about to be knocked off, they oh-so-luckily happened to be in a non-elimination round. (I’m looking at you, blonde beauty queens.)

But my current guilty pleasure reality show is a Canadian production called The Big Flip, airing on HGTV. Two guys attempt to renovate and resell as many Toronto homes that they can in a year. It may not sound exciting except for one thing – they keep screwing up. It’s not that they don’t do good work, but they assume everything will be simple and it keeps biting them in the ass. Homes cost too much, they sell them for too little, they tear down load bearing walls and they ruin heritage homes. I watch it purely for the schadenfreude.

Where There's Not a Lot Goin' On

It may seem that that Iraq is spiraling into civil war, with an increasing death toll and factions fighting each other in the streets. But democracy is breaking out all over – you can tell because Iraqis can now watch Canadian TV!

One of our most popular homegrown shows, Corner Gas, is now being broadcast in Iraq, along with 25 other nations worldwide. It’s great to see the genial comedy, which is often described as Seinfeld on the Prairies, get international recognition – especially in the U.S. where we have a definite cultural trade deficit.

But I keep wondering about Iraq. I honestly didn’t even know many people had enough electricity to run a TV, let alone spend some of that time watching the exploits of small town Saskatchewan folks. Perhaps, in an effort to bridge what I can only imagine is a cavernous cultural gap, Brett Butt and the gang will relocate to Baghdad for a few episodes…

Hank: Uh, I just tripped an IED and blew up The Ruby again.

Brett: IED, IED, IED. That’s fun to say.

Oscar: You’re both jackasses!

OK, maybe that’s not as good of an idea as it seemed. Best of luck to the denizens of Dog River, it’s nice to see some good news about Canadian TV once and awhile. And to CTV, don’t rest on your laurels. You’ve proved you can recognize and nurture a hit show – now do it again.

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So It’s Come To This

The Simpsons is out of ideas and has been for years. Family Guy is pointlessly cruel. American Dad is derivative. Is this where the state of animation is these days?

It’s not that bad, but cartoons have certainly seen better days. The Simpsons has begun its 18th season, which means the show has been on air for the entire life of anyone in high school. With that kind of longevity, the quality was bound to decline, especially as at its height it was the best comedy on TV. I now view each new season like Saturday Night Live - it will always be on and some years will be better than others. It’s still better than most shows on TV, but it suffers when compared to its prime (Seasons 4-6). The Simpsons is my first animated love, but even a true believer like myself recognizes that it hasn’t been on the cutting edge for years.

Family Guy once was that edge. When it debuted in 1999 it was genuinely shocking, breaking taboos and pissing off many people. It was off the air in two seasons, a victim of poor ratings. I was a huge fan and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing in primetime and thought it was a travesty when Fox pulled it (as they do with most innovative shows). With constant reruns on Teletoon and the Cartoon Network and massive DVD sales, Family Guy got a reprieve. The first few episodes had the old flare, but something has changed. Now it’s just as likely to be cruel than funny. They continue to draw out scenes, repeating phrases and motions over and over and over again. It’s not funny. I get it, but it’s not funny.

As for American Dad, the less said the better. It is clearly a redo of Family Guy that Seth MacFarlane created when Family Guy was pulled off the air. It has grown more into its own lately, but the comedy bits are few and far between. I like Roger the alien though. I don’t see it breaking any longevity records.

So what’s working? South Park is going strong, still managing to generate headlines after 10 seasons. Last year they managed to infuriate Tom Cruise, Scientology and Muslims. They are equal opportunity offenders and still surprisingly sharp, if occasionally a little heavy-handed with the moralizing. I never thought Trey Parker and Matt Stone would be around for so long – and neither did they – but I’m glad they are.

This decade has produced some new and innovative shows that while they will never make a major network, are the cleverest work I’ve seen in years. Aqua Teen Hunger Force is a surreal show about a life-size Happy Meal – Master Shake, Frylock and Meatwad. They don’t really do much except hang out in their house and bicker while annoying their neighbour Carl. I think it is hilarious, but that may say more about me than the show.

Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law is, like the Aqua Teens, a creation of Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network in the U.S. Harvey is a former superhero who had a show in the ‘60s and now acts as a criminal defence lawyer for a roster of Hanna-Barbera characters. Shaggy gets busted for drugs; The Jetsons sue the people of Earth for screwing up the planet; Grape Ape is charged with steroid use. It’s a show that you need to have spent your youth on a couch on Saturday mornings to appreciate fully. Luckily, I am well prepared.

In the same vein as Harvey Birdman but more a friend of those with ADD is Robot Chicken. Creator Seth Green and pals make minutes-long pop culture vignettes using stop animated action figures. Each episode is only 10 minutes or so long, but they pack a lot into each show. Jesus is The Bride in Kill Bunny; Emperor Palpatine gets a collect call from Darth Vader (see below); The Superfriends are the new Real Life cast; Santa is murdered in Christmas Town. This has only begun airing in Canada and I’ve only caught a few episodes, but I’m hooked. It’s like all the non-sequitur moments of Family Guy without the loosely written plot to slow it down. It’s great stuff and I encourage any pop culture fan to check it out.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

The problem I have (ok one of them) with Canadian and American Idol is the songs. More often than not the contestants appear to be singing to their parents, maybe even their grandparents – anything but their own generation. It just never seems to fit. Of course who am I dispute the numbers – the No. 1 show in Canada, millions of views in the U.S., etc., etc. The producers clearly know what they are up to.

That being said, when I got the opportunity to attend Monday’s taping of the top nine performances, I was intrigued by the theme – the music of The Rolling Stones. The Stones? I guess it’s a long time since they were considered dangerous, something driven home to me when I saw their music linked to the Multigrain Honey Nut Cheerios recap. But hey, good music is good music.

Beats me how CTV managed to snag the rights to plunder the Stones back catalogue, but the band announced their plans for a North American tour today, less than 24 hours after their hour-long tribute by some of the most visible singers in Canada. Probably just a coincidence.

While most of these kids probably only knew who the Stones are and not their music, they are actually around the same age Mick Jagger and Keith Richards started the band. With a band playing some of the best rock music ever written, all the singers had to do was not screw up their song and they were golden.

I don’t really have the desire to recap the show, so if you’d like a song-by-song analysis, check out Reality News Online and Foxes on Idol, who both do a good job summing it up. What I did find interesting is the difference between watching the show on TV and seeing the songs performed live. There really is energy in the theatre, with over 1,000 people screaming and cheering each song. Sure, the staff does everything to hype up the crowd before the show and during the commercials, but there is genuine excitement in the air. I’ve always thought the judges are too soft on the singers, but I can see how they can get caught up in the moment. We were up in the balcony, but it was still bigger than the small screen. I even resisted tossing my gum at Ben Mulroney’s well-coifed hair.

So how’d they do? So-so. Eva Avila’s version of "Wild Horses" was powerful and Steffi D’s "Miss You" was quirky fun. The others were okay and, because I’m foolhardy, I’ll take a stab at the bottom three: Sarah Loverock’s "I Got the Blues", Chad Doucette’s "You Can’t Always Get What You Want" and Brandon Jones will be going home courtesy of his painful version of "Jumping Jack Flash." We’ll see tonight if I know what I'm talking about.

Update:
Well, what the hell do I know? The bottom three were Ashley Coulter, Steffi D. and Sarah Loverock. Sarah was sent home and I'm 1/3 for my picks. I admit that I haven't followed the season very closely, so I don't know who the crowd faves are, but based on the performances the voters don't know what they are doing. But I would think that, wouldn't I?

The One's Not The One

I said that I would watch The One: Making a Music Star and now that the unpleasantness is over, I can hopefully erase it from my brain and never speak of it again.

Too harsh? I think not. First off, what was the show? It had all the reality competition elements in line:
Desperately needy singers needing the validation of fame? Check
Standard three-person judging panel, consisting of two men and a woman of varying insider knowledge? Check.
Live audience cheering on performances of songs 10 to 20 years older than themselves. Check.
Slick host with extremely long name? Double check. More on him later.

There was also some Survivor with everyone living together (but not much backstabbing); some Big Brother (but not much heat); and generous helpings of Idol.

The reason I tuned in, as I alluded to, was due to the hosting of George Stroumboulopoulos, the host of CBC’s The Hour. It is unusual to see a Canadian to talk the helm of a big U.S. show, but it may be too bad that this was the one he landed. Strombo was his usual slick self, decked out in head-to-toe black, moving the show along with his trademark motor mouth ways. Sadly, he had very little opportunity to shape the show in his own image, just introducing the singers and segueing between commercials, duties that can be handled by any Seacrest or Mulroney. Maybe this will change, but I don’t plan to find out.

The problem is, nobody could sing. As with all other reality singing contests, they covered songs they wouldn’t ever listen to themselves while showing off vocal theatrics best left to the Mariah’s of this world. The judges of course gushed endlessly after each mini-song, claiming each of them to potentially be The One,” while giving them heavy life lessons during pre-taped segments. They will help decide who stays and goes, but my PVR didn’t tape last night’s episode so I don’t know who got the boot and I don’t find myself caring.

It appears not many others did either, with just 236,000 Canadian viewers. After all the consternation over The One bumping The National for an hour, the news program more than doubled that audience. In the States it picked up 3.2 million viewers, only good enough for fifth in its time slot.

I don’t know who will become The One, but I know this show isn’t it.

Oh my, like, GOD, I'm like, totally, like NOT a top model

Hello! This is not Jeremy, this is his pal Nikki Stafford. I'm guest writing for today while he's up at a cottage enjoying the sun and heat and swimming and... wait a minute, why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, I need to RANT about Canada's Next Top Model (I came up with a topic I figured Jeremy would never post about in a million years). This Canuck version of Tyra's skin-and-bones fest that I will admit I am completely addicted to is shorter (only 8 weeks), lower budget, but still features Number Six from Battlestar Galactica as the Tyra, which is cool. It also stars Jeanne Beker as The Joker, which is always, uh, interesting to watch.

So here's my beef: While I actually think this is a fairly entertaining version of its American cousin, it has had this one completely inappropriate person on there from the beginning -- Alanna. What the hell is this girl STILL doing on in the final three?? They narrowed the field of contestants down to 10 (the original submissions probably totaled 64, although I'm sure if Donald Trump were helming it he'd say 50 million Canadians entered), and then one of the finalists got sick or lost her cat or something, so in came Number 11, Alanna. This girl uses the word "like" in a way that should be deemed illegal, has no personality, and has the facial features of a thumb. And yet, so many girls (including my beloved Ylenia) are gone, and this dimwit remains. On this week's episode, she made fun of Andrea's clothes (and apparently hasn't looked in a mirror recently), found her stash of candy and called it disturbing, and looked for Andrea's diary, because that's what 20somethings do when their roommates leave the house. Cripes. She's hooked up with Brandi as her new BFF, even though Brandi's serious alcohol problem means she probably doesn't remember Alanna from one day to the next. She goes to the photo shoots and never knows what to say to anyone, "Like, okay, am I like supposed to, like, step up on this, like, treadmill thing?" Then she does, opens her mouth, and tilts her head back while her Square Peg hair takes over as the focus of the shot. "Um, like, why are they making us dress in, like, these '80s clothes? Wasn't that, like a hundred years ago or something? Who is Olivia Newman John?"

So I'm sitting here thinking, OK, FINALLY, this girl is going home. YES! And then Brandi goes and pours milk all over herself like some dairy porn star, and so the prayers begin. Please let Number Six and the guy with the facelift and the Joker and Stacey Deep Throat see Alanna for the NON-top model material she is... but alas, it was not meant to be. She should have gone home in week ONE. Then maybe my Ylenia, who is apparently FAR too fat in her size 4 jeans, would still have a chance.

I know who I'm NOT rooting for, that's for sure. While I think Andrea is adorable, and her makeover was possibly the most stunning of any makeover I've seen on Top Model (U.S. or Canuck), I worry about her apparent anorexia and what message it would send to people watching the show. That said, I hate the hypocrisy of the judges to tell her to beef up right after telling Ylenia to slim down... I think Sisi is interesting, and I really like her photos (she reminds me of Bjork), and frankly, I think she had a bit of a point when she was telling Miss Diva to stop drying her frickin' hair at 1:30 in the morning. But her fake coughing and way too skinny body (I mean, come on, did ANYONE find Sisi or Andrea sexy at all in those bikinis??) and ego might keep her out.

Which brings us to Alanna. She just cannot win. She's not interesting, I don't like her photos, she hasn't progressed at all, I have no idea why the judges smoke crack right before looking at her portfolio every week and declare it GROUNDBREAKING, but I seriously hope they stop before the finale. If she wins, I'm never watching either Next Top Model AGAIN...**

**Nikki makes no guarantees of anything she says in the midst of reality television rage. She has her own blog over at nikkistafford.blogspot.com, though she only started it yesterday so there's really not much there...

CBC Beckons Cool

What’s gotten into the CBC these days? They are coming across all hipstery (at least some of the time). I’m up at the cottage again (hence my lackadaisical posting – dialup sucks) and listening to a lot of CBC Radio One. The flagship show Sounds Like Canada is being guest-hosted by Jian Ghomeshi, host of the National Playlist and former frontman of Moxy Fruvous and his Canada sounds a lot cooler than I’m used to hearing on the national broadcaster.

Yesterday, after our morning dip, he interviewed Owen Pallett of Final Fantasy, who has been short listed for the Polaris music prize for his album He Poos Clouds. Pallett is also responsible for arranging the string section for Montreal’s Arcade Fire, giving him a hipster trifecta. Mainstream Canada likely didn’t know what hit them.

Today Jian – who once serenaded me with Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” – was talking to two members of Montreal’s The Stills about their latest album. They are best know for their fantastic album Logic Will Break Your Heart, of which several songs ended up on Zach Braff’s Garden State soundtrack. Even they were arguing that they aren’t all that well known.

Tomorrow alt-country superstar and member of Vancouver’s New Pornographers, Neko Case, will be on the show talking about her latest album. Very cool. It’s good to see the CBC assuming that there are more than just parents listening to them, and while I’m no youngster I’m pleased to hear music that is often relegated to college stations getting a coast-to-coast airing.

On a related note, seems CBC TV is following through on the trend and have seconded designated hipster and The Hour host George Stroumboulopoulos to ABC to host their reality music show, The One: Making a Music Star. This is the Idol-esque show that they are simulcasting and pushing Peter Mansbridge and The National out of the way for. When its run is over, a Canadian version will air, doubtlessly to be hosted by Stroumbo, despite protestations that there are no plans in the works.

I don’t know how successful yet another music reality show will be, but letting the charismatic Stroumbo take the reins at least gives it a shot. It starts next Tuesday, so I’ll at least tune in for the opener.

(Speaking of guest hosts, I may have one or two over the next couple of days. Play nice with them.)

The Talented Captain Kirk

Shater. Stewart. Bakula. Damon? If rumors are to be believed the next captain of the USS Enterprise will be Matt Damon (excuse my photoshopping). It appears that Star Trek XI: So Very Tired is actually moving forward and director/producer J.J. Abrams wants to promote Private Ryan to the helm. He’s even gone so far as to ask William Shatner’s approval.

"Shatner gave his blessing," reports The Insider. "J.J. got his approval. J.J. wants Damon as Capt. Kirk. He really loves the idea." I don’t think they should be bothering with a new film – it could do with a bit of a time out – if they are insisting on revisiting our future past than Damon doesn’t seem such a bad choice. He’ll have to work on that Kirk bravado though and, uh, be a few years younger.

The film is supposed to follow the early days of Kirk and Mr. Spock at Starfleet Academy and first outer-space mission, making the 35-year-old Damon older than Shatner was when he chased short-skirted blue women though the galaxy. They’ll also need to be looking for a new Vulcan. Does this mean we will see an on-screen reunion with Ben Affleck? Call it Good Will Trekking.

Confessions of a Blogging Mind

• Has American Idol taken over all of Hollywood? In two weeks time comes the release of American Dreamz, a film about a singing contest that has more voters than presidential election participants. Gee, imagine that. Now there is a rumour that Prince, who once called himself a slave to his record label, may appear on the show because his new label saw how Barry Manilow’s sales jumped after his appearance. The New York Post says there is just one hitch: “Prince apparently hates the show and has never even watched it." I wonder if the label is just showing him who’s boss.

• Someone ought to keep their eyes on The Clash – they are sounding a little seditious. A man was pulled off a London-bound flight after a cabbie found his choice of music suspicious. Harraj Mann was able to play his own music on a cab’s stereo on his way to airport, some of which raised the cabbies suspicions. Lines like "War is declared and battle come down" from The Clash’s London Calling and “The hammer of the gods will rive our ship to new lands, to fight the horde" from Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song gave his cabbie the idea he might be a terrorist, so he called the police. While I agree the Zeppelin lyrics are criminal, I think the police might need to listen to some decent music and realize that a little angry punk does not a bomber make.

• What is the best way to increase the circulation of a magazine that has fallen out of favour with younger readers? Create some controversy. And lo, there was Playboy with the Top Ten Party Schools. Montreal’s McGill got picked as No. 10 and the Canadian media followed. The free publicity should help the pick-up rate (and the naked university girls shouldn’t hurt either.) Of course blogging about this could be seen as an underhanded way to drive up a person’s search engine hits, but I couldn’t imagine anyone that cynical. And the above photo is only for illustrative purposes. Honest.

Fame, Fame, Fame, Fame

I can’t comprehend the allure of fame. I can understand the appeal – in the rare instances when a person knew who I was before I had met them, there was a thrill to it, but I never had an overwhelming desire to pursue it.

For others that pull must be irresistible. That is the only thing I can think of to explain The Surreal Life. Why else would Florence Henderson and Sherman Hemsley agree to appear on a reality show built around laughing at has-beens?

Hasn’t Henderson been able to sock enough away as Mrs. Brady so she doesn’t have to play den mother to some washed up rockers? Hasn’t Hemsley moved on up enough that he doesn’t have to slum with former Playboy cover girls? (Wait, maybe he doesn’t mind that part.)

My point is shouldn’t these two sitcom icons have enough money to keep away from this sort of low-rent humiliation? Unless they are hard up, it must be the desire to be seen, talked about, watched.

Couldn’t they have followed the example of Morrissey and The Smiths, who turned down $5 million to play one festival last year? "The money doesn't come into it," said Morrissey. "It never has. I do what I do because it's all that I am."

This thought has never crossed the mind of Tommy Lee. He, along with Metallica bassist Jason Newsted and ex-Guns N' Roses guitarist Gilby Clarke are forming a band called Supernova and letting Survivor producer Mark Burnett find them a lead singer on the next series of Rockstar.

Seems some people will do anything to extend their 15 minutes.

When Self Promoters Attack

Martha Stewart and Donald Trump have started up a monumental pissing match in the past couple of days. They are both incredibly rich, middle-aged and WASPy, so no bullets are flying but there is a lot of media bitch slapping.

Martha says the original plan for her version of The Apprentice was for her to fire The Donald on-air during the premiere. "Having two Apprentices was as unfair to him as it was unfair to me," she told Newsweek. "But Donald really wanted to stay on."

The Donald was having none of it. "I'm tired of Martha blaming me for her failure," he responded today. "It's about time you started taking responsibility for your failed version of The Apprentice. Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything else a show needs for success. I knew it would fail as soon as I first saw it—and your low ratings bore me out."

Oh yeah, said Martha, who immediately penned (of course) a response: "The letter is so mean-spirited and reckless that I almost can’t believe my long-time friend Donald Trump wrote it. I am very proud of the work we did…” blah, blah, blah, sniffle.

It’s all very entertaining of course, but why now? The Apprentice: Martha Stewart was cancelled back in December and Randal stabbed Rebecca in the back months ago. Oh wait, the next edition of The Apprentice begins on Feb. 27 and now there are over 400 news articles on Google and all the entertainment shows are running the spat.

But Martha and The Donald wouldn’t have started a feud just to drum up some attention for the show, would they? Nah, that would just be cynical.

Might As Well Dump

Does Van Halen have a shred of decency left? Do they have any respect for their legacy, back when mulleted-teen headbangers referred to Eddie as a guitar god? Do they remember when they were cool, maybe even dangerous? (I don’t know how dangerous they really were, but my local radio station wouldn’t play Hot For Teacher during prime hours. Dangerous in the sense that they annoyed parents, and that was good enough for me.)

Whatever scraps of street cred they’ve managed to retain will soon be thrown to the wind as the reports are piling up that they are the next band to be featured on Rock Star, producer Mark Burnett’s create-a-star reality show. The show last made a sensation out of Canadian J.D. Fortune as the new lead singer for washed-up rockers INXS, replacing the auto-erotically asphyxiated star Michael Hutchence.

Of course Van Halen has never had any qualms about replacing their lead singers when they have outlived their usefulness, or annoyed Eddie. Gigolo David Lee Roth was the first to go, followed by Sammy 'I Can’t Drive 65' Hagar, who was then replaced by Roth who came back just for a greatest hits album, and now some dude from Extreme is their frontman. He’s probably relieved by the news.

So why can’t they just leave well enough alone? They’ve been together for almost 30 years, they have some great songs and will be remembered fondly. Instead, they are going to go on a reality show and the only person who will gain any fame is whomever wins. They might get some radio play out of their first song and have someone to play nostalgia tours with, but mostly they will annoy their old fans.

Sigh. I hope Roth tries out.