Shriveled Golden Globes

I’m not a huge fan of awards shows, but for a number of years it was part of my job to watch ‘em (ya, I know, boo hoo). Anyway, it’s given me some perspective on them and they really aren’t the same without all the lead up. Take, for example, tonight’s Golden Globes. You’d think that having no host, no lengthy montage and no celebs strolling the red carpet being asked vapid questions about wardrobe would be a good thing, but it also means there is no sense of grandeur. If the producers think that people are tuning in for the speeches, they are sorely mistaken. Of course nobody’s watching, seeing as they scheduled the Globes show against 24 for some reason. So, I’m watching it for you.

8:00 – The logo runs, they flash to the stage and George Clooney stroll to the mic and reads off the nominees for Best Actress in a Comedy and Musical – and Jennifer Hudson wins for Dreamgirls, further cementing American Idol’s hold on popular culture. Hudson then stumbles out of the already seated glitterati and yammers on about something or other.

They quickly move on to the horrible songs award. Prince wins (oh great, he’s the new Phil Colins) but isn’t there. Presenter Justin Timberlake accepts on his behalf by pulling out a Dorf on Golf joke and pretending to be a foot or two shorter. Prince would have kicked his ass. By 8:07 they’ve presented two awards and are out to commercial. Yeesh, what’s the rush?

8:15ish – Jack Nicholson is looking more crazed than ever – fly-away hair and crazed eyes behind his ever-present dark glasses. They are looking more like seniors blueblockers than badass, but he’s still the star the other stars pay their respects to.

8:20? – Everyone who was nominated in the TV or mini-series category must have been so excited until they saw Jeremy Irons nominated. I mean really, how unfair is that?

Sometime that I didn’t look at the clock – Rene Zellwegger comes out and leads the salute to the Hollywood Foreign Press. Seeing as it is their show and the membership could fit in my house, it seems altogether too self-congratulatory. Who knew Rene needed the work?

8:30ish – “The excitement keeps coming,” says talking dress Maria Menounos – she must be watching another show as exciting doesn’t come into this one.

8:45 – Jack gets some more screen-time as the go-to reaction shot.

8:46 – Meryl Streep cements her lock on the Oscar Best Actress award with her Globe win for The Devil Wears Prada. She has a speech prepared – how did she know?

8:48 – Streep’s shout-out to all the losers makes for a wonderful montage of them all trying to look happy. Funny.

9:01 – Eddie Murphy wins for his Dreamgirls roll – this ought to make for a funny speech.

9:02 – Nope, he’s not funny anymore, just like his movies.

9:08 – Jack sighting. Again.

9:15 – Announcer says the party is just getting warmed up, which means the stars are getting loaded. I hope so, this show has been event and comedy free.

9:17 – A dark-haired Cameron Diaz presents something or other and the camera doesn’t pan to a reaction shot of her very-recent ex, Justin Timberlake. Nor did they when he was on stage. What’s with the restraint, Globes? Where’s the live gossip?

9:22 – The toughest category of the night is Best Actor in a TV Comedy: Alec Baldwin (30 Rock), Zach Braff (Scrubs), Steve Carell (The Office) and Jason Lee (My Name Is Earl). The much-deserving Baldwin takes it, but turns out not to be off-the-cuff funny. Tina Fey, please write him an acceptance speech next time.

9:31 – Ugly Betty wins and the whole table erupts, freaks out and a party breaks out on stage. It’s nice to see some real excitement about winning at least.

9:38 – Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood are nominated for best Foreign Language film. I don’t think that was the idea of the category when it was started. Whatever, Clint wins. Is there anything he can’t do?

9:40 – There is one thing Clint can’t do – wear a bow tie. He looks like Orville Redenbacher.

9:46 – A man who knows from mistakes, Hugh Grant apologizes for Justin Timberlake’s short about Prince. His Purpleness was apparently stuck in traffic and missed his award in the first seven minutes the show. Is this the beginning of a feud and the end of Timberlake’s career as a black man?

9:50 – America Ferrara wins for Ugly Betty. That’s gonna be one helluva an after-party.

9:53 – Menounos sucks all the life out of Ferrara’s win by pointing out she wasn’t the first choice to play Betty.

9:58 – The show crawls to a halt – more so – as the honourary award and Warren Beatty are wheeled out.

10:07 – Tom Hanks, trying to save a bad Beatty/sex joke, claims to have slept with the legendary lothario. Here’s hoping someone reports this as truth in Wikipedia.

10:11 – Even Beatty bows down before Jack.

10:15 – Still talking, Beatty makes a Borat joke. It bombs.

10: 17 – Beatty finally shuts up and the longest part of the show is sucked up by an award we already knew the winner of. Now they’ll have to speed through the rest.

10:24 – Martin Scorsese wins Best Director for The Departed either making him the Oscar-fave or setting him up for an even further fall.

10:26 – Guess who! It’s Jack!

10:28 - Sacha Baron Cohen wins for Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan and, in a surprisingly out-of-character speech, talks about anuses and testicles, referring them to as shriveled Golden Globes. Finally, this is what this show is supposed to be about. Despite that, they play him off. Beatty used up everyone else’s spare time.

10:37 – Dreamgirls wins for Best Musical or Comedy, making it the big winner of the night.

10:43 – You can now check off Helen Mirren for Best Actress in your Oscar pool. Consider her the freebie that everyone gets.

10:53 – Forest Whitaker’s win for The Last King of Scotland means the key to winning your Oscar pool is getting the tech categories correct.

11:00 – Alec Baldwin rolls his eyes as Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger crutches his way to the mic to present the last award. Babel wins, keeping its Oscar hopes alive because, let’s face it, that’s what this show is really all about.

11:02 – “I swear I have my papers, Governor,” says Babel director Alejandro Iñárritu.

11:04 – The winners are hurried off stage and it’s on to the predictable Oscars. How dull.