Mel & Lindsay: Teflon or Toast?

When Popped Culture first asked me to be one of his guest editors this week, I was thrilled. (Actually, I was jealous. How come he gets to spend another week lounging around at the cottage while I'm stuck here in Smog City? Lazy bastard!) But then – after I stopped fantasizing about hiding an mp3 player that looped Jessica Simpson's "A Public Affair" under his hammock – I began to appreciate the opportunity. Finally, a chance to step away from my own celebrity-obsessed blog (which, don't get me wrong, I adore – but there's only so much a gal can say about Paris Hilton nipple slips) and write about groundbreaking, important entertainment trends. Is YouTube killing the traditional broadcast network model? Is the hype around Miami Vice and Snakes on a Plane proof that movie critics no longer matter? Which of the TV pilots that I've been lucky enough to screen are worth watching this fall?

Alas, it's not to be. Despite my initial protests, I'm going to have to follow my gut and lay a big ol' slab of celebrity gossip on ya. (It's my gift - it's my curse.) I mean, what kind of guest editor would I be if I failed to address the two biggest stories of the day – Mel Gibson's DUI arrest and Lindsay Lohan's public scolding?

We all know the details by now. Gibson got pulled over by the cops last week and reportedly proceeded to resist arrest, complain that his life is "f*cked up," refer to a female police officer as "sugar t*ts," make unbelievably anti-Semitic comments, threaten the arresting officer, warn that he was going to urinate on the floor of his jail cell, refuse to sign the necessary paperwork, and attempt to break a telephone. (Whew! Finger cramp!)

As for La-Lohan, a movie executive finally called her out for being "discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional" on the set of her new flick, where she was too sick to work but well enough to party every night.

The big question that's on everybody's lips today: have these two megastars just committed career suicide? The answer: hells no!

When it comes to Lindsay, producers already know what they're getting themselves into when they offer her roles. They're not signing her because she has immense Oscar-calibre talent, a stellar work ethic, or a misstep-free resume. They're signing her because she's Lindsay freakin' Lohan! A vapid stick insect of a girl who is guaranteed to be in the press every single day which, good or bad, keeps their movie in the press every single day. I mean, had anyone even heard of Georgia Rules before this? Even the nasty letter-writing producer seems to have softened his stance towards our beloved Firecrotch today.

As for dear old Melly Mel, that's a little more complex. He'll inevitably come out of this smelling like Vatican-grown roses, but Hollywood has to keep up this horrified, outraged pretense for a while longer. So the Anti-Defamation League will continue to issue "Gibson Made Jesus Cry" statements, ABC will pretend to back away from his Holocaust project, and execs behind his upcoming Apocalypto flick will hold off on the publicity push until the backlash dies down. And it will die down. Because, let's face it, Gibson's arrest didn't tell us anything we didn't already know. Oh my god, Mel's crazy! Holy crap, he treats women like shit! Dear lord, he's anti-Semitic! Pul-eeze. Anyone who caught a little flick called The Passion of the Christ could have told you that.

So Mel and Linds, like countless other celebrities before them, will continue to act like complete and total assholes, and we the consumers will continue to forgive and support them. They're Teflon, baby. The scandal stink just don't stick.

-webgrrl