Oh my, like, GOD, I'm like, totally, like NOT a top model

Hello! This is not Jeremy, this is his pal Nikki Stafford. I'm guest writing for today while he's up at a cottage enjoying the sun and heat and swimming and... wait a minute, why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, I need to RANT about Canada's Next Top Model (I came up with a topic I figured Jeremy would never post about in a million years). This Canuck version of Tyra's skin-and-bones fest that I will admit I am completely addicted to is shorter (only 8 weeks), lower budget, but still features Number Six from Battlestar Galactica as the Tyra, which is cool. It also stars Jeanne Beker as The Joker, which is always, uh, interesting to watch.

So here's my beef: While I actually think this is a fairly entertaining version of its American cousin, it has had this one completely inappropriate person on there from the beginning -- Alanna. What the hell is this girl STILL doing on in the final three?? They narrowed the field of contestants down to 10 (the original submissions probably totaled 64, although I'm sure if Donald Trump were helming it he'd say 50 million Canadians entered), and then one of the finalists got sick or lost her cat or something, so in came Number 11, Alanna. This girl uses the word "like" in a way that should be deemed illegal, has no personality, and has the facial features of a thumb. And yet, so many girls (including my beloved Ylenia) are gone, and this dimwit remains. On this week's episode, she made fun of Andrea's clothes (and apparently hasn't looked in a mirror recently), found her stash of candy and called it disturbing, and looked for Andrea's diary, because that's what 20somethings do when their roommates leave the house. Cripes. She's hooked up with Brandi as her new BFF, even though Brandi's serious alcohol problem means she probably doesn't remember Alanna from one day to the next. She goes to the photo shoots and never knows what to say to anyone, "Like, okay, am I like supposed to, like, step up on this, like, treadmill thing?" Then she does, opens her mouth, and tilts her head back while her Square Peg hair takes over as the focus of the shot. "Um, like, why are they making us dress in, like, these '80s clothes? Wasn't that, like a hundred years ago or something? Who is Olivia Newman John?"

So I'm sitting here thinking, OK, FINALLY, this girl is going home. YES! And then Brandi goes and pours milk all over herself like some dairy porn star, and so the prayers begin. Please let Number Six and the guy with the facelift and the Joker and Stacey Deep Throat see Alanna for the NON-top model material she is... but alas, it was not meant to be. She should have gone home in week ONE. Then maybe my Ylenia, who is apparently FAR too fat in her size 4 jeans, would still have a chance.

I know who I'm NOT rooting for, that's for sure. While I think Andrea is adorable, and her makeover was possibly the most stunning of any makeover I've seen on Top Model (U.S. or Canuck), I worry about her apparent anorexia and what message it would send to people watching the show. That said, I hate the hypocrisy of the judges to tell her to beef up right after telling Ylenia to slim down... I think Sisi is interesting, and I really like her photos (she reminds me of Bjork), and frankly, I think she had a bit of a point when she was telling Miss Diva to stop drying her frickin' hair at 1:30 in the morning. But her fake coughing and way too skinny body (I mean, come on, did ANYONE find Sisi or Andrea sexy at all in those bikinis??) and ego might keep her out.

Which brings us to Alanna. She just cannot win. She's not interesting, I don't like her photos, she hasn't progressed at all, I have no idea why the judges smoke crack right before looking at her portfolio every week and declare it GROUNDBREAKING, but I seriously hope they stop before the finale. If she wins, I'm never watching either Next Top Model AGAIN...**

**Nikki makes no guarantees of anything she says in the midst of reality television rage. She has her own blog over at nikkistafford.blogspot.com, though she only started it yesterday so there's really not much there...

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